At Parody's End
by Agent047
Summary: My parody of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End.
1. Someone Should Suspend Beckett's Rights

**Author's Welcome: Hello again! Here it is: the third installment of my POTC parody series! This is a sequel to _Parody of the Black Pearl_ and _Dead Man's Parody_. The running gags still continue, and this is, once again, co-written by my brother. So here's _At Parody's End!_**

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**Someone Ought to Suspend Beckett's Right to Suspend Rights**

_In Port Royal, just about everyone is being hanged. Rows and rows of people go to the gallows and face that "short drop and sudden stop" as our ex-friend Norrington put it back when no one hated him too much. A guy is reading from a scroll._

Officer: Since Beckett is cruel, tyrannical, and has a total disregard for human decency, he's decided to hang anyone who even thinks the word "pirate" just because he can. Plus, he's taken away pretty much all your rights. Right to assembly... suspended.

_People fall through the trap doors._

Officer: Right to habeus corpus... suspended.

_More people are hanged._

Officer: Right to trial by jury... suspended.

_Even more people are hanged._

Officer: And finally, the right to have rights... suspended. Wow. You guys are pretty much screwed. But hey, it's not my fault, okay? Don't shoot the messenger. I don't make the rules, I just tell it like it is. If you don't like it, you can go ahead and take it up with Beckett, I need a good laugh.

_The officer hides before random enraged citizens can hurt him._

_More pirate-sympathizers walk up to the gallows. A young boy is among them, and he is holding a piece of eight. The executioner brings a barrel for the kid to stand on, and the noose is put around the boy's neck. The boy starts to sing._

Cabin Boy: The king and his men stole the queen from her bed...

_The boy continues to sing, and is eventually joined by the rest of the people waiting in line to be hanged._

Pirates: Yo ho, haul together, hoist the colours high!

_The officers guarding the pirates get just a little freaked-out by this singing, and they look at each other and sorta back away, even though the prisoners are unarmed and the officers have really pointy bayonets at their disposal._

_Groves notices the fact that the pirates are singing, since he is standing only ten feet away and can hear it quite clearly. He runs over to Beckett, who is also only about ten feet away, drinking tea, eating scones, and petting his cat Aunt Kyle._

Groves: Lord Beckett, they're singing.

Beckett: Yes, thanks, I can hear just fine.

Groves: I just... thought I'd mention it anyway... Do you want me to do something about it?

Beckett: No, let them sing. It's about time they started.

Groves: What do you mean?

Beckett: Because now... I can take over the world! And Aunt Kyle can have all the scones he wants!

Groves: Uh... Great!

_Groves leaves. Aunt Kyle creeps him out._

Cabin Boy: ...never shall we die.

_Obviously he means this figuratively, because the executioner pulls the lever._

_The piece of eight falls to the ground._

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Here it is, my AWE parody! Leave a review and tell me what you think so far!


	2. Pirate Sumos

**Pirate Sumos**

_Elizabeth is paddling through a little river in Singapore, singing._

Elizabeth: Yo ho... haul together... hoist the colours high!

_Elizabeth climbs out of the boat._

Elizabeth: Heave ho... thieves and--

Chinese Guy A: Shut up or sing on key!

Elizabeth: Fine, jerk.

Chinese Guy A: I would be fascinated to know what a woman is doing here, wandering around all alone...

_Barbossa appears out of a random dark corner._

Barbossa: Alone is all a matter of perspective, sucker.

Chinese Guy A: Pansy. You protect her?

_Elizabeth puts a knife to Chinese Guy A's neck._

Elizabeth: He probably would if I needed protecting.

_Chinese Guys B and C hold guns to pretty much everyone._

Barbossa: I hope you realize you've got a gun to your own man's head...

_Chinese Guy B stops pointing a gun at Chinese Guy A._

Barbossa: Now you're pointing it at yourself, stupid.

_Chinese Guy B finally aims the gun at Elizabeth._

Barbossa: Congratulations. But you probably don't want to be shooting us.

Chinese Guy A: And why don't I want to be shooting you?

_Barbossa has an acute attack of deja vu._

Barbossa: That was weird. Anyway, your master is expecting us. And I imagine he's expecting us to be not dead...

_Oh, look, a bunch of British soldiers. Probably acting under Beckett's orders. The Chinese Guys lead Barbossa and Elizabeth around a corner, all sneaky-like so the British don't see them._

_Meanwhile, Ragetti, Pintel, Gibbs, Cotton, and Marty are making their way through the water, hiding under cocounts. Except for Pintel. He's bald, so his head already looks like a coconut._

_Oh, look, it's Tia Dalma._

_Barbossa and Elizabeth are still following the Chinese Guys._

Elizabeth: Have you heard from Will?

Barbossa: Do I look like someone who has heard from Will?

Elizabeth: That... really made no sense.

Barbossa: I'm sure he's fine. And I'm sure he's got the charts. He'd better. And you had better not say anything dumb in front of Sao Fang.

Elizabeth: Is he really that scary?

Barbossa: He's a lot like me, really. Except, not quite so kind and merciful.

Elizabeth: So we're doomed.

_The Chinese Guys arrive at a door. Another Chinese Guy opens a mini-door and peeks out at them._

Chinese Guy D: Password?

Chinese Guy A: Purple oranges.

_Chinese Guy D closes the mini-door and opens the big door. Barbossa and Elizabeth start to go through._

_Gibbs and them have gotten through a grate-like door thing._

Gibbs: Sweet! We're in.

_Chinese Guy D stops Elizabeth._

Chinese Guy D: Stop.

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Chinese Guy D: Just because you're hot doesn't mean you're innocent. Remove your weapons.

Elizabeth: Fine.

_Elizabeth removes about a zillion and seven weapons from various places._

Elizabeth: Happy now?

_Finally Barbossa and Elizabeth are allowed to enter. Chinese Guys are everywhere, all tattooed and sitting in bath waters and stuff. So yeah. Sao Fang is standing in a bath of steam, looking imposing. He turns around._

Sao Fang: Captain Barbossa... Welcome to Singapore!

_Barbossa and Elizabeth bow._

Sao Fang: More steam.

_Chinese Girl 1 pulls a rock thing. _

_Ragetti and Gibbs and all them are hiding in a little rock tunnel, and they see this obscenely fat guy. Ragetti has a mild freak-out attack, but Gibbs won't let him run away._

Gibbs: You can run away later. But if things get messy and we're not here, they're pretty much screwed.

_Sao Fang is talking to Barbossa._

Sao Fang: So... You want something?

Barbossa: I want to ask you a hypothetical question.

_Where the heck did he learn a word like hypothetical?_

Barbossa: Actually... it's not exactly a question. I need a ship and a crew.

Sao Fang: Well that's absolutely fascinating! Know why?

Elizabeth: Because you found an extra ship and an extra crew lying around and you'd be happy to give it to us?

Barbossa: What did I tell you about saying dumb things?

Sao Fang: Actually, no. It's because someone broke into my safe and tried to steal my navigational charts.

Barbossa: Wow, that's weird.

Sao Fang: The charts that lead to places far... far... away. Wouldn't it be fascinating if you were planning to travel to the world beyond ours?

Barbossa: Yeah... wouldn't that be absurd?

_Two Chinese Guys pull Will out of a tub of water. Will is tied to a pole so his arms can't move, and it looks like he's been underwater holding his breath for much longer than two minutes._

Sao Fang: Know this guy?

Barbossa: Nope.

Sao Fang: Then I guess you won't care if, say, someone were to stab him in the face?

_Sao Fang starts to stab Will. Elizabeth has a fairly severe freak-out attack._

Sao Fang: So you come here to be pansies and betray me?

Barbossa: Will! Stop disobeying my orders!

Sao Fang: What, did you order him to not get caught?

Barbossa: Uhh...

Sao Fang: So you're planning to sail to Davy Jones' locker. Should be fun. I have to wonder, though, why the heck would you want to do a thing like that?

_Barbossa chucks the piece of eight at Sao Fang. Sao Fang catches it and holds it to his ear._

Barbossa: The song has called us. We have to convene, and you, as one of the nine pirate lords, have to come.

Sao Fang: More steam.

_Chinese Girl 1 pulls the rock thing but nothing happens. Sao Fang kinda flips out at her._

Sao Fang: Hello!!! More steam!!

Chinese Girl 1: Yeah, I know. I pulled the thingy!

Sao Fang: So pull it again!

_Chinese Girl 1 pulls the rock thing again._

_Below, it seems that Gibbs and them have taken over the entire downstairs. Marty is sitting on top of this huge-o fat guy, and whacks the fat guy upside the head with a shovel. Go midget._

Gibbs: Wait for the signal...

Pintel: It's not another one of your owl calls, is it?

_Pause_.

Gibbs: No...

_Ragetti looks up through the cracks at Elizabeth. Perv._

_Sao Fang is still upstairs, being difficult. Elizabeth goes off on him._

Elizabeth: Stop being a sucker, or it'll be your fault when Beckett wins. And to be honest, Beckett would probably laugh at you if you're sitting here cowering in your bath water.

Sao Fang: I'm not cowering in it.

_Ragetti calls Pintel over to look at Elizabeth. Unfortunately, she has moved, and this fat guy is standing in her place. Pintel looks up at this sumo guy._

Pintel: MY EYES!! THEY BURN!!!

_Pintel slaps Ragetti, then runs and hides._

Sao Fang: Elizabeth, you're hot, but there's more to you than that.

Elizabeth: Weirdo.

Sao Fang: You still haven't answered my question. What are you looking for in the locker?

Barbossa: Funny story, actually. You see, there was this--

Will: Jack Sparrow.

_The Chinese Girls giggle. We're not entirely sure why, and not entirely sure we want to know._

Sao Fang: When you bring him back, let me know so I can kill him again.

Barbossa: Jack has one of the nine pieces of eight.

Sao Fang: Yeah, what's with that, anyway? Nine pieces of eight?

Barbossa: Shut up, I'm talking. Anyway, since I was dead and I couldn't steal it from Jack before he died, we have to go get him.

Sao Fang: You were dead?

Barbossa: Remind me to tell you the story sometime.

_Sao Fang notices that one Chinese Guy's tattoo is melting. That means he's an Imposter Chinese Guy._

Sao Fang: Pansies!! You lied to me!

Barbossa: Duh.

Sao Fang: Weapons!

_All the Chinese Guys (and Girls) suddenly have all kinds of swords and stuff._

Barbossa: No, really, I swear! We're seriously not lying... much.

_Gibbs and them chuck swords up through the floorboards, for Barbossa and Elizabeth to catch._

Barbossa: Uh... Where did these come from?

Sao Fang: Don't hurt me, or I'll kill this guy.

Barbossa: Sucks for him.

Sao Fang: You mean he's not with you?

Barbossa: Nope. Sorry, sucker.

Will: Wait... if he's not with you, and he's not with us... who's he with?

_The British officers bursting through the door pretty much answer Will's question. A fight commences. Mercer shoots Chinese Girl 1. Nobody really likes Mercer. Things blow up, Tia Dalma is still watching, and then later, somewhere else, Mercer the jerkface shoots Chinese Girl 2. _

_Will and Sao Fang meet up in a little corner thing._

Sao Fang: Wanna know what's weird?

Will: Your face?

Sao Fang: The day you show up here, the East India Trading Company finds me.

Will: Don't flatter yourself. They're probably after me.

Sao Fang: Oh. In that case... HEY!! OFFICERS!!!

Will: Shut up! If you want to make a deal with Beckett, I can help you there.

Sao Fang: So you disobey Barbossa... you're willing to betray Jack Sparrow... and I should trust you... why?

Will: I need the Black Pearl to free my father. And you'd be helping me get it.

_Jack the monkey pulls a cool stunt with some fireworks._

Jack the Monkey: Fire works!

Parrot: Nice job.

Barbossa: Jack, you rock.

Parrot: I wouldn't say that exactly...

_Barbossa meets back up with Will._

Barbossa: So, after all that, did you manage to get the charts?

Will: Yep. And something even better.

Barbossa: Scones?

Will: No it's not scones! Where the heck would I get scones? What is it with you people? Heck no, I don't have any scones, but I've got a ship and a crew. Happy?

Barbossa: Oh. I guess that is even better than scones.

Elizabeth: Where's Sao Fang?

Will: Who really cares? He said he'd cover our escape and meet us in Shipwreck Cove.

Barbossa: Coolies. Let's get outta here.

_On board the Chinese ship, Elizabeth walks over to Tia Dalma, who is gazing off at nothing in particular. Or maybe there is something particular... like a seagull, or maybe there was a scone after all..._

Elizabeth: Well, now that Sao Fang's bathtub is pretty much toast, he doesn't have anywhere to hide. Do you think he'll honor the call?

Tia Dalma: Who knows, who cares. But there's something out there, and it's scaring the scary people.

Elizabeth: Mercer's face?

Tia Dalma: Well, that is scary, but I was hinting at Davy Jones or Beckett...

Elizabeth: Oh. I guess they're pretty scary too.

_Exactly._

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Well, here it is, chapter 2 of my AWE parody. Hope you liked it! 

I have to warn you though, these updates will come fairly slowly now. I couldn't find an online script for AWE like I did for the other two movies, so I have to do it all by following along the DVD as I watch it. If any of you know of a link to an online script, please, send it and I will be most grateful!

Thanks in advance for any reviews you feel inclined to leave!


	3. Shiny Things, Swords, and Chickens

**Shiny Things, Swords, and Chickens**

_The Flying Dutchman splashes up out of the water, and fires on some East India Trading Company ships. The EITC ships have no chance against the Dutchman, and they get basically blasted to smithereens._

_Beckett is sitting at his desk, playing with silver coins. Pieces of eight, to be exact._

Beckett: Behold!

Mercer: I would suggest not saying "behold" too much. It sounds a little over-dramatic.

Beckett: Then what am I supposed to say?

Mercer: Well... you could say, "Mr. Mercer, come look at this".

Beckett: Fine, party-pooper. But anyway, there's nine silver shiny coins.

Mercer: Pieces of eight, sir.

Beckett: But there's nine of them. Nine pieces of eight.

Mercer: Yes. That's right. Hey... I thought you could only count to five.

Beckett: I made the Governor give me math lessons. Shut up.

Mercer: Yes, sir. Don't fire me.

Beckett: But nine pieces of eight. Did your friend tell you what that means?

Mercer: No, and he's not my friend.

Beckett: I know that. Come on, play along!

Mercer: I don't get it.

Beckett: It's like all the mafia bosses, they always call their contacts "friends". We're trying to sound cool here.

Mercer: Sure, whatever. Anyway, what was your question?

Beckett: I... don't remember...

_Lieutenant Groves just happens to be standing nearby, listening in._

Groves: You wanted to know the significance of nine pieces of eight.

Beckett: I totally knew that.

Mercer: May I answer the question?

Beckett: Yes, please! That's the entire reason I bother talking to you!

_Groves backs away slowly._

Mercer: Right. Anyway, my contact did not tell me why there are nine pieces of eight. Why does it matter?

Beckett: Because it does, okay??!!

_Beckett throws the pieces of eight out the window. Mercer backs away slowly._

Beckett: Get back here, I need to whisper to you secretively.

_Mercer cautiously steps closer again._

Mercer: Uh... yes...?

Beckett: Let's pretend this conversation never happened, savvy? We don't need people, such as the Governor, running off to Singapore or anything like that.

Mercer: Sure.

_Governor Swann gives Beckett weird looks across the room. He definitely heard that. But he pretends to be not overhearing things for the sake of his life, job, ect._

_Norrington enters the room._

Beckett: Admiral Norrington, what are you doing here?

Norrington: Uh... You summoned me.

_Pause._

Beckett: I knew that.

Norrington: Right.

Beckett: I wanted to talk to you for some reason...

_Groves decides to help._

Groves: You wanted to give him his sword back in a very dramatic way. You wanted to look cool or something like that.

Beckett: Ooh! Yay!

_Norrington backs away slowly._

Beckett: A new station deserves an old friend.

Norringon: What?

Beckett: Your sword. You know, that really super-snazzy one? Your Commodore Sword?

Norrington: Right.

_Pause._

Norrington: What about it?

Beckett: You can have it back now. The box is over there.

_Norrington goes over to the box and opens it. It's empty._

Norrington: Lord Beckett... this box is empty.

Beckett: What? Oh my gosh, where did it go??

Groves: Isn't that it there, in that chair?

_The sword is still sticking out of the chair that Beckett impaled in the last movie._

Beckett: Oh. Right. There it is.

Norrington: Lord Beckett... Why is my sword sticking out of a chair?

Beckett: It slipped, okay? Stop making fun of me!

Norrington: Why didn't you take it out?

Beckett: It's stuck. I couldn't make it move.

_Norrington easily removes the sword from the chair and gives Beckett a weird look._

Beckett: I had it loosened, okay? But then Aunt Kyle went missing and I was afraid he had gotten into the scones again, so I had to--

Norrington: I really don't want to know.

_Some guy gives Governor Swann a stack of papers._

Governor Swann: More requisition orders?

The Guy: Nope. Execution orders.

_The guy draws a finger across his throat and makes a choking noise. _

_Governor Swann freaks out a little bit. Norrington is too busy staring at his sword to notice. He's trying to make sure Beckett didn't do anything weird to it._

Beckett: The Brethren know they face extinction. All they have to decide is where they make their final stand.

_Governor Swann and Norrington exchange nervous glances. If that isn't forshadowing, I don't know what is._

Beckett: Yes!! Finally!

Mercer: Sir...?

Beckett: Didn't I sound cool there? Didn't I?

Mercer: Uh... sure... if you say so.

Beckett: I do say so, because I can.

_Groves walks over to Norrington._

Groves: How long do you think it took him to make up that line?

Norrington: I think he probably paid the cartographer to write it for him.

_Groves and Norrington laugh at Beckett._

Beckett: What are you two laughing at??!!

Norrington: Nothing... The Lieutenant here was just telling me a joke he heard the other day. It's quite funny.

Beckett: Let's hear it.

Norrington: Uh...

Groves: Why did the chicken cross the road?

_Beckett thinks really really hard._

Beckett: I don't know. Why?

Groves: Because it can!

_Groves and Norrington burst into loud, fake laughter. Beckett thinks for a moment, then bursts out in laughter._

Beckett: That is so funny!! Because it can... Hahaha!!!

_Groves and Norrington quickly leave._

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Hey guys! Beckett scene. I was bored, and wanted to have fun with Beckett. I need to think of some more dumb words for him to use... But I will, don't worry! I found a kind-of script onlilne, so I hope I'll be able to post fairly regularly. Review and let me know what you think! 


	4. Cold Things, Like Beckett's Heart

**Cold Things, Like Beckett's Heart**

_The Chinese ship is sailing through the Arctic. It is snowing, and the weather is obviously providing less-than-warm temperatures for the pirates._

Ragetti: It's cold.

Pintel: Wow, really? Yeah, I guess you're right. OF COURSE IT'S COLD, STUPID!

Ragetti: Well, I'm sure there's a very good reason for it.

Pintel: I don't see why that freaky voodoo lady can't just zap Jack alive again like she did with Barbossa.

Tia Dalma: Two things, slick. First, don't call me "that freaky voodoo lady". Second, the only reason I could raise Barbossa was because he was only dead.

Ragetti: Only?

Tia Dalma: Jack Sparrow is not only dead, his soul was taken too. To a place of punishment, probably the worst thing that could have happend to him, short of ticking me off again.

Pintel: Again?

Tia Dalma: You don't want to know. Anyway, Davy Jones' locker is not a sunny happy place, and Jack is stuck there forever, unless we manage to pull this off.

_Tia Dalma goes away._

Ragetti: See? Told you there was a good reason.

_Will and Tai Huang are freezing their butts off, while Will turns the circles on the navigational charts trying to figure out what the heck they mean._

Will: What the heck do these mean?

Tai Huang: Who knows. I bet they'll lead you someplace really really cool though.

Will: What could be cooler than this? It's like five zillion below zero out here. That's even colder than Beckett's heart.

Tai Huang: You know what I meant.

_Will reads off the charts._

Will: Over the edge, over again... Sunrise sets, flash of green... What the heck? Sunrise sets? No it doesn't. Sunrise rises, hence, sun-RISE. Barbossa, what is that supposed to mean?

Barbossa: Just what it says, pansy. The green flash. Ever seen it?

Will: No.

Gibbs: I've seen it. It's weird. Some say it signals--

Pintel: It signals when a soul comes back from the dead!

Gibbs: I was telling the story!

Pintel: Then why didn't you say so?

Gibbs: I thought it was obvious.

Barbossa: Anyhoo, Little Turner, it's not hard to get to the land of the dead.

Will: Well no duh. All you have to do is kill yourself.

Barbossa: Or have someone do it for you.

Ragetti: I would actually prefer to die of natural causes.

Pintel: I'd prefer to not die at all.

_Ragetti and Pintel go off to discuss this together._

Barbossa: See? It's not that hard to get to the land of the dead. The trick is getting back.

Will: You seem to have managed.

Barbossa: I'm just tight like that.

Tia Dalma: He so had help.

Barbossa: Whatever.

Tia Dalma: Fine, then, if you're so sure of yourself, I'll let the whelp kill you and see how you do at bringing yourself back.

Will: Stop calling me the whelp. It's not true anymore and it's not funny.

_Pause._

Will: Actually, it was never true. Just like the eunuch thing, Jack made it up.

Barbossa: Haha, I had forgotten about that one!

Will: Maybe I should shut up and go back to being confused over these charts.

_Will does so accordingly._

_Back in places that aren't so creepily far away, Beckett is looking through a telescope at the ships that were destroyed by the Flying Dutchman._

Beckett: Can't we get any closer? I can't see anything, it's so far away.

Mercer: Lord Beckett, sir, I think you've got that telescope backwards.

Beckett: Oh...

_Beckett turns the telescope around._

Beckett: Oh my OMG!

_Mercer sighs and decides not to comment on this._

Mercer: Yes, sir, it seems that Jones likes to destroy things.

Beckett: Bring me the chest.

_Beckett flings the telescope overboard. Mercer looks at it, confused. Then he changes the subject._

Mercer: You know, the Governor has been asking a lot of awkward questions lately.

Beckett: About the chest?

Mercer: No, about your mom.

Beckett: How dare he insult Mum! Kill him!

Mercer: That was sarcasm, sir. Of course he's asking about the chest. And the heart.

Beckett: Does he know?

_Mercer gives Beckett a look that could mean anything from "Are you seriously wearing those two colors together?" to "Yes, the Governor knows about the heart, and it's becoming a problem."_

Beckett: What are you looking at?

_Beckett looks around trying to make sure his clothes match properly._

Mercer: We need to do something about the Governor because he knows too much.

Beckett: Oh, right. Yes, we should. He's useless anyways.

Mercer: What do you want me to do?

Beckett: You're creative. Think of something.

Mercer: I am not creative. I take orders from you.

Beckett: Coolies!

Mercer: Don't say that.

_Rowboats are being rowed through the water. Governor Swann sees all the dead bodies floating around and gets grossed out._

_Davy Jones is playing the organ with his face. His music box starts to play and he picks it up and looks at it, nearly breaking down into sobs, then he is summoned by Beckett._

_The EITC officers are standing on the deck of the Flying Dutchman with swords and rifles and trebuchets and things, just in case they have to kill the immortal crew members. Murtogg and Mullroy, the two intellectuals, are there, holding rifles, and guarding a broom closet. They are looking very nervous. Norrington comes out after them._

Norrington: Chill out, it's just a broom closet.

_Pause. Murtogg and Mullroy are quite confused by the Admiral's odd choice of words._

Norrington: I mean, steady, men.

_Davy Jones walks up on deck, and sees the chest._

Davy Jones: Why can't you people ever leave me alone? Go away, and take that thing with you. I don't want it here.

Beckett: But I do!

Davy Jones: I'm bigger than you.

Beckett: So? So is everyone else, but you don't see them questioning my whims.

Davy Jones: Do you realize that nobody likes you?

Beckett: Sure they do. I just intimidate them.

Davy Jones: That must be it.

Beckett: Anyway, I need prisoners to interrogate, which tends to work best when they're alive.

Murtogg: Do you think he even knows what the word "interrogate" means?

Mullroy: I highly doubt it. Lord Beckett's vocabulary is, regrettably, minimal.

Murtogg: And quite strange.

Mullroy: Yes, quite.

Beckett: SHUT UP! I SO HEARD THAT!

Davy Jones: Maybe if you stopped hanging everyone, you would have some live prisoners to interrogate.

Beckett: I was talking about you. Your cannons keep blasting things away, and I want you to make them stop.

Davy Jones: I don't think so. I do what I want.

Beckett: No you don't! You do what I want, just like everyone else who wants to stay alive! Didn't I make it obvious when I ordered you to kill the evil fish?

_Pause._

Davy Jones: What evil fish?

Groves: I think he means the kraken.

Beckett: I said that. The kraken.

Norrington: No you didn't.

Beckett: Shut up!

Davy Jones: Poor Clarence...!

Beckett: Oh, eew. The thing had a name?

Davy Jones: Don't make fun of Clarence.

Beckett: I do what I want. I'm in charge here, not you. Pointless things are pointless.

_Pause._

Davy Jones: Come get me when you feel like making sense.

_Davy Jones leaves. Beckett pouts. He is pouting because Jones made fun of him, Jones left, and also because he still doesn't know what "interrogate" means._

_Below decks, the chest is set on a table and opened, and the EITC officers keep their rifles trained on the heart, as if it's going to jump out and attack them. _

Heart: What, are you kidding me? I'm a disembodied heart. I'm not going to hurt you.

_Several officers faint upon hearing the heart speak. The heart chuckles to itself and continues beating._

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Hope you liked this! I felt like updating, just for fun. I have to go back to school tomorrow though... :( Anyway, reviews are appreciated! 


	5. Almost Certain Death

**Almost Certain Death**

_The Chinese ship is sailing through the ocean on really clear waters. The sky is full of stars, and the stars are reflected in the perfect water, so you can hardly tell where the sky ends and the water begins. Elizabeth is standing on the deck of the ship, gazing off at nothing in particular. Will walks up to her._

Will: So... Um... Hi.

Elizabeth: Hi.

Will: Um... so... yeah.

Elizabeth: Yeah.

Will: So... how long are we going to not talk to each other?

Elizabeth: As soon as we rescue Jack, everything will be okay.

Will: As soon as we rescue Jack. So that's how it is.

Elizabeth: Well... he is the one in need of rescuing.

Will: Yeah. Whatever.

Elizabeth: You're being weird.

_Elizabeth leaves. Will shouts after her._

Will: So I'm being weird, is that it? Oh, and Jack isn't weird? Huh? Since when?

_Will gives up and stares off to sea. Suddenly he notices a strange mist and figures something very bad is on the other side. Something like, oh, let's say, hypothetically, a giant waterfall leading to almost certain death._

Will: Crap.

_Will turns to alert the crew, and finds himself face to face with Tia Dalma._

Tia Dalma: You didn't honestly think this was going to be easy, did you?

Will: I must have missed the memo about the death part.

Tia Dalma: Who said anything about death?

Will: Oh, sorry. Pardon me for automatically assuming that this ginormous waterfall dropping into a dark abyss didn't lead to tea and scones.

Tia Dalma: You never know.

_Will walks away from Tia Dalma. She creeps him out._

Will: Barbossa, ahead!

Barbossa: Oh, look at that. We must be lost.

Will: Lost? Oh great. Now when we die, no one will know where to find our bodies.

Barbossa: You're just being pessimistic. We have to be lost to find a place that can't be found, or else everyone would know where it is.

Will: That entire statement was just one big oxy-moron! It doesn't make any sense! Lost or not, this place will kill us!

Barbossa: Stop it with the death thing, will you? It's morbid and depressing.

Will: It's true.

Barbossa: It will be for you if you don't shut up.

Gibbs: We're gaining speed.

Will: That's what happens when water falls over a cliff. It's called gravity.

Gibbs: Someone's a little tense.

Will: NO DUH!! Hard to port!

Barbossa: No! He lied! We're going straight.

Will: Are you crazy?

Barbossa: Yes.

Will: You're leading us all to certain death!

Barbossa: William, son, have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

Will: Um, yes. You've taken advantage of every opportunity.

Barbossa: Oh. Well... Trust me anyway.

_The crew notices that something is up. Everyone runs to the side of the ship to see what's going on._

Ragetti: Oh my lucky stars...

_The waterfall comes into view. The crew has a ultra-severe freak-out-attack._

Elizabeth: We're all gonna die!

Barbossa: Not all of you, just those of you who tick me off.

Will: Tie her off!

_Gibbs ties Elizabeth to the mast._

Will: Actually... I kinda meant the ship... but I guess that can work to our advantage too...

Elizabeth: Hard to port!

_Will takes the wheel and manages to turn the ship around. But the current has already caught the ship, and it falls over the edge of the cliff. As it goes, Barbossa laughs like a maniac._

Will: PSYCHO!! THAT IS NOT HELPING!! I'M ABOUT TO DIE AND THE LAST THING I WILL EVER HEAR IS YOUR PSYCHOTIC, DERANGED, EVIL LAUGH!!

Barbossa: Pessimist.

_The ship disappears over the cliff into the darkness and mist of the abyss._

* * *

Another chapter! I know it's short, but it was a small scene mostly just action and not much dialouge. Yeah. Sad excuse when I haven't updated in so long. So I thought I owed you all a new chapter. I hope you like it!


	6. Attack of the Clones

**Attack of the Clones**

_All right, so Jack is in Davy Jones' locker, eating and/or not eating a peanut, depending on how you look at it. He is also giving orders to what appears to be a crew made up entirely of various Jack Sparrows. But, in actuality, Jack is only talking to himself and imagining the rest._

_Jack climbs onto the edge of the ship._

**Jack:** Gentlemen... attack of the clones was so Star Wars. Give it a rest.

_Jack jumps off the ship, with the aid of a rope, and licks his finger to test for wind._

**Jack:** No wind. I'd sell my soul for just one itty bitty little gust... OH WAIT, I CAN'T, CUZ SOMEONE ALREADY TOOK IT FOR ME!

_Not that he's bitter or anything about all this. Jack picks up a rock._

**Jack:** It's a rock.

**Rock:** No kidding.

**Jack:** Think fast!

_Jack flings the rock, then turns away and swaggers around, talking to himself._

**Jack:** Why would he do that? Because he's a dingbat. And what do all dingbats have in common? A lack of generosity, of course, which is exactly why there will be no strawberry punch at my next holiday celebration...

_Jack turns around and sees the rock is back._

**Jack:** Didn't I tell you to go away? Shoo.

**Rock:** I'm a rock, sucker. I can't really go anywhere.

**Jack:** If that's the case, you can't talk either.

_Jack picks up the rock and inspects it. His inspection includes a taste test._

**Rock:** What the WTF?? Eew!

_The rock runs away. Don't ask me how, but it's actually a crab, which might have had something to do with it._

**Jack:** Awesome. Now we're being followed by talking rocks... that's a new one. Hey, talking rocks... that almost rhymes!

_Jack goes back over to the Black Pearl and attempts to pull it with the rope. Needless to say, Jack is not exactly Superman, and the ship doesn't budge. Finally he gives up, sits down, and pouts._

_The rock that we previously discovered to be a crab in disguise goes to call his friends, and together they pick up the ship and move it across the desert. Jack quickly jumps up and runs after his ship._

* * *

Short chapter... sorry... but I've just recently returned from, oh, about a year of hiatus. Don't hurt me. :) Hopefully I'll parody more in the days to come. Drop a review and let me know how glad you are that I've returned! (Just kidding... you can yell at me for leaving if you want...)


	7. Chinese Guy Finds Calling as Auctioneer

**The Chinese Guy Finds His Calling as an Auctioneer**

_The pirates all crawl out of the ocean, falling over on the beach, hacking and coughing the seawater out of their lungs._

**Gibbs:** This place sucks.

**Elizabeth: **I don't see Jack. I don't see anyone.

**Ragetti:** Just look, we're right here! You can't see me?

**Pintel:** That's not what she meant, moron.

**Ragetti:** Well, that's what she said.

**Pintel:** Yes. Duh. She's a woman. They don't say what they mean.

**Ragetti:** Then how are you supposed to understand them?

**Will:** You can't.

**Elizabeth:** Jerk. And to think I almost married you.

**Barbossa:** Stop worrying. Jack's around here somewhere.

**Will:** How do you know?

**Barbossa:** I'm just tight like that.

**Elizabeth: **And the fact that the _Black Pearl_ is over there might have tipped him off.

**Barbossa:** That too.

_The pirates stare in shock. The Black Pearl is apparently sailing across the dunes._

**Gibbs:** Well, slap me thrice and hand me to me momma!

**Will:** Do you really want me to?

**Gibbs:** Uh, no. It's just an expression.

**Will:** An expression of what?

**Gibbs:** That's a fascinating question... I honestly don't know the answer.

_The Black Pearl stops, and Jack climbs down from the ship._

**Pintel:** It's the captain!

**Ragetti:** Congratulations, Uncle Sherlock.

**Pintel:** When did you learn to speak sarcasm?

**Jack:** Mr. Gibbs! Explain yourself!

_Gibbs looks around._

**Gibbs: **Uh... what's there to explain?

**Jack:** Why is my ship crewed by the biggest bunch of suckers ever?

**Gibbs:** Um, it's not. Jack, you're still in the locker...

**Jack:** Duh.

**Barbossa:** Jack, long time no see.

**Jack:** Hector, not long enough.

**Barbossa:** You shot me.

**Jack:** No I didn't.

**Barbossa:** Yes you did.

**Jack:** Did not.

**Barbossa:** Did too.

**Jack:** Did too.

**Barbossa:** Did not.

**Jack:** Ha! Told you so. Tia Dalma! Hallucinations are so much more fun when you're here!

**Will:** He thinks we're a hallucination.

**Jack:** Gosh dang it, Will, didn't we just save Elizabeth? Do you really need me to help save her again already?

**Will:** Um. No...

**Jack:** Then you wouldn't be here! So ha! You're not.

**Will:** Your face.

**Elizabeth:** We're here, Jack. This is real.

**Jack:** Mr. Gibbs, did you hear something? I think that was the wind... So, I'm in the locker, you say?

**Elizabeth: **We've come to rescue you.

**Jack:** Oh, fantastic. Let's all just hop on your ship and sail away. Oh, wait, you haven't got one. So, if anyone is to do the rescuing here, it's going to be me, because I have a ship and you don't.

**Barbossa:** I see my ship.

**Jack:** What, that there?

**Barbossa:** That's a piece of driftwood. I was talking about the _Pearl_.

**Jack: **Sorry, she's not for sale.

**Will:** Jack, Cutler Beckett has the heart of Davy Jones and he's trying to take over the world!

**Tia Dalma:** They even sang the song.

**Jack:** Yankee Doodle?

**Tia Dalma:** No, you imbicile, the other one.

**Jack:** Oh. What, really? I leave you guys alone for, what, five seconds and the entire world's gone to pieces? Can't you function at all without me?

**Gibbs:** Apparently not. So let's go.

**Will:** You'll need a crew.

**Jack:** What, was that supposed to be a hint? Because I can't think of a reason why I'd want to sail with any of you. You guys don't even like me.

**Will:** Why... sure we do...

**Jack:** Actions speak louder than words. If you like me so much, why do you all keep trying to kill me? And not only trying, actually. One of you was quite successful in helping me along to my untimely end.

_Jack looks at Elizabeth._

**Jack:** Which, by the way, was completely unnecessary. I had the entire situation under control.

**Elizabeth:** Uh-huh. And Beckett is handing out candy.

**Jack:** Yeah, he's poisoned it. We know that already.

**Will:** Elizabeth, what does Jack mean, one of us has killed him?

**Jack:** What, you didn't tell him? Ah, well, at least you won't get bored along the way. _(to Tia Dalma) _And as for you...

**Tia Dalma:** Come on, you know you liked it.

**Jack:** Heehee... okay, fine, you can come. _(to Ragetti) _No, too creepy... Gibbs, you can come. _(to Pintel) _Only if you promise to brush your teeth... _(to Cotton)_ Just stop trying to get extra pay as a mime... that's creepier than like five of Ragetti. And bring your bird, I'll need someone to talk to. _(to the Chinese pirates) _What, another hallucination? Who are you guys?

**Tai Huang: **Your new best friends!

**Jack:** Um... no homo. Where do your loyalties lie?

**Tai Huang:** With the highest bidder.

**Barbossa:** Which would be me, obviously. I got them out of prison.

**Will:** No, I can teach them ninja skills with a sword!

**Gibbs:** I've got nothing...

**Elizabeth:** I'm the only girl in this entire movie!

**Jack:** I've got a ship.

**Tai Huang:** Jack is the highest bidder.

**Jack:** Awesome. Let's go!

_Barbossa pulls out the charts._

**Barbossa:** Where to?

_Jack takes out his compass and looks at it. It spins itself in circles at like 200 mph. _

**Jack:** You're not helping!

**Compass:** Wheee!

* * *

Yay, updates. This scene was actually kind of tedious because it's not that exciting in the first place... Oh well. Drop a review, if you like. :)


	8. Miscellaneous Bickering

**Miscellaneous Bickering**

_Jack and Barbossa are on board the Black Pearl, demonstrating the obvious contention for the role of Captain._

**Barbossa:** Trim that sail!

**Jack:** Trim that sail!

**Barbossa: **Slack windward brace and sheets!

**Jack:** Slack windward brace and sheets!

**Barbossa:** Haul that pallet line!

**Jack:** Haul that pallet line!

**Barbossa:** I'll haul your pallet line.

**Jack:** I'll haul your face's pallet line.

**Barbossa:** Your face will haul your mom's pallet line.

**Jack: **Your mom's face will -

**Pintel:** Shut up! That's an order!

_Awkward pause. No one is really sure who gave Pintel authorization to give orders._

**Pintel:** Sorry. It was worth a try. Carry on.

_Jack and Barbossa go to the upper deck. Barbossa takes out a spyglass and looks out to sea._

**Jack:** Sweet spyglass.

**Barbossa:** Thanks. I stole it from Beckett.

_Jack takes out a spyglass of his own. But it looks pansy compared to Barbossa's top-of-the-line, stolen-from-the-most-powerful-guy-ever spyglass._

**Jack:** Why are you so lame?

**Spyglass:** I dunno. Sorry.

_Jack drops the spyglass into the ocean and leaves._

_Below, Will and Elizabeth are having a "moment". Will tries to break the ice with small talk._

**Will:** So... lovely weather we're having...

_Elizabeth will have none of it._

**Elizabeth:** Yes, I left Jack to the kraken, okay? He's rescued now, so it's over. Did it look like I had a choice?

**Will:** I was trying not to look. Why didn't you tell me?

**Elizabeth:** Why didn't you tell me your dad was a pirate?

**Will:** I did.

**Elizabeth: **Oh.

_At night, Ragetti and Pintel are playing Apples to Apples on the deck of the ship. Then they realize it's dumb to play that game with only two people. They notice dead people floating in the water._

**Pintel:** OMGEEEEEW! Look!

**Ragetti:** I wonder what would happen if you dropped a cannonball on one?

_Naturally, they go get cannonballs. When they return, Tia Dalma gives them the evil eye for their intention of disrespecting the dead._

**Ragetti:** No, stupid, I told you, that would be disrespectful.

**Pintel:** Did not.

**Ragetti:** Did too.

**Pintel:** Did -

**Tia Dalma:** Shut it. I hate you both. These dead people should be in the care of Davy Jones, like Calypso said. And every ten years he could go ashore to be with his lover. He had to go all nuts.

**Ragetti:** You mean he wasn't always a fishface?

**Pintel:** You're a fishface.

**Tia Dalma:** No. Him was a man... once.

**Ragetti:** OMG look! Boats!

_Gibbs also sees the boats and starts loading a gun._

**Will:** Don't waste ammo.

**Tia Dalma:** We are but ghosts to them.

**Will:** Oh, we're the ghosts, are we? And they're, what?

**Barbossa:** Just leave them alone, would you?

**Will:** FINE!

**Elizabeth:** Look, it's my father! We're back!

**Jack:** Lies.

**Governor Swann:** Elizabeth, are you dead?

**Elizabeth: **What? No! Of course not! Why would that even make sense?

**Governor Swann:** Oh. Well, that makes one of us.

**Elizabeth:** Wait, what?

**Governor Swann:** There was a chest. And a heart. And it all seemed so important. Especially to Beckett. Hmm.

**Elizabeth:** Come aboard!

**Governor Swann:** Don't be silly. And don't stab the heart, either. Otherwise you have to take its place.

**Elizabeth:** I won't fit in that little box.

**Will:** Are you calling me fat?

**Jack:** Will, don't speak.

**Elizabeth:** Father, climb aboard!

_Tia Dalma crash-tackles her. Will hugs Elizabeth._

**Will:** Is there a way?

**Tia Dalma:** You have a touch of destiny about you.

_Awkward pause._

**Barbossa:** I have a feeling that line would have been better said like five minutes ago.

**Tia Dalma:** Yeah, probably.

* * *

Hola. I have returned. That's all I have to say... :D


	9. Title Stolen from Track Number 6

**Insert Title Stolen from Number 6 on the Soundtrack**

_The Black Pearl is sailing over windless ocean under a blazing sun._

**Pintel:** Why is all but the rum gone?

**Gibbs:** The rum's gone too.

**Pintel:** Fudge.

**Gibbs:** None of that, either, I'm afraid.

**Pintel:** No, I meant... Never mind.

**Tia Dalma:** If we don't get out of here by night... we're screwed forever.

**Will:** How does that make sense? Are you just saying that to sound ominous?

**Gibbs:** We're doomed!

_Gibbs pretends to swoon._

**Tia Dalma:** Stop that.

**Will:** Why doesn't Barbossa do something? Or Jack? Or anyone?

_As usual, Ragetti is chasing the monkey and his eye._

**Gibbs:** This is nonsense.

**Will:** The green flash happens at sunset, not sunrise. Everyone knows that.

**Gibbs:** Over the edge... It's driving me over the freaking edge!

_Jack is making a frown face at the charts._

**Jack: **Up is down... Your face! Your face's up is down! That doesn't make any sense!

_Jack almost throws the charts into the ocean, but then decides he wants to be as un-Beckettlike as possible, so he restrains himself._

**Jack:** Why are these things never clear?

_Mini-Jack 1 appears on Jack's shoulder._

**Mini-Jack 1:** Clear as mud, Jackie-poo! Stab the heart, obviously.

**Mini-Jack 2:** No, of course not, don't be the lace on Beckett's left shirtsleeve. Don't stab the heart.

**Jack:** I'll stab you both if you don't start making sense.

**Mini-Jack 2:** The Dutchman must have a captain.

**Jack:** Well, no kidding. Otherwise she'd be a chaotic mess of confused crewmen. Hey, that was almost an alliteration!

**Mini-Jack 1:** Was not. Sail the seas forever!

**Jack:** I like the sea.

**Mini-Jack 2:** Of course you do. But what about port?

**Jack:** I prefer rum.

**Mini-Jack 1:** Making port, you dolt.

**Mini-Jack 2:** Where we can get all kinds of good stuff once every ten years!

**Mini-Jack 1:** Ten years is a long time.

**Mini-Jack 2:** But eternity is even longer!

**Jack:** Yeah, especially without rum.

**Mini-Jack 2:** And how will you be spending it?

**Jack:** The rum?

**Mini-Jack 2:** No, eternity. Will you be dead?

**Mini-Jack 1:** Or you could be the immortal Captain Sparrow.

**Jack:** I like that!

**Mini-Jack 2:** Of course you do. It won't matter come sunset.

**Jack:** Wait a minute, that's it! Sunset... sunrise... up! Oh, hey, is that a scone?

_He runs from side to side of the ship, pretending he sees a pink seagull, a labrodoodle, Norrington, and other such things..._

_Pintel finally figures it out._

**Pintel:** He's rockin' the ship!

**Gibbs: **We're rockin' the ship!

_Ragetti pulls out an electric guitar._

**Pintel:** No, stupid.

_Never mind the electric guitar. They haven't been invented, anyway._

_The rocking continues. Ragetti and Pintel somehow manage to tie themselves to the mast upside down. How they did that is beyond me._

_The ship epically flips upside down. The green flash makes its appearance. The world turns upside down, so now the ship is right-side up. Confusing, I know, but you've all seen the movie, so you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, the Black Pearl and her crew have now arrived back in the regular world._

**Pintel:** You idiot, now we're upside down!

**Ragetti:** It was your idea!

**Pintel: **Was not!

**Ragetti:** Was so!

**Pintel:** Nuh-uh!

**Ragetti:** Uh-huh!

_The monkey and the parrot both pull out pistols and aim them at Ragetti and Pintel._

**Jack:** Birdie, that's a brilliant idea!

_Jack, Will, Barbossa, and Elizabeth all aim pistols at each other._

**Barbossa:** Okay. Here's how this is going to work. The Brethren are gathering at Shipwreck Cove. Jack, you and I are going, so don't argue.

**Jack:** Oh, I beg to differ. I insist on differing, actually. If pirates are gathering, I will be pointing my ship in the opposite direction. One-eighty degrees.

**Barbossa:** Yes, thank you for the geometry lesson.

**Elizabeth:** The pirates are gathering to fight Beckett, and you're a pirate.

**Jack:** What? Me? A pirate? Since when. I don't know what you're talking about, darling, perhaps you swallowed a bit too much seawater.

**Will:** Well, Jack, whether you fight or not, you're not running away.

**Jack:** Says who?

**Barbossa:** Says just about everyone. If we don't hang together, we'll all hang separately.

**Ragetti:** Hey, no fair. You stole that from someone who hasn't even been born yet!

**Barbossa:** I know. Takes talent.

**Jack:** Well, if you all hang, separately or not, that'll leave me the only pirate left in the Caribbean. I quite like the sound of that.

**Barbossa:** Yeah, and it'll be you versus Davy Jones. How does that figure into your plan?

**Jack:** Don't worry about it.

_Jack tries to shoot Barbossa. Then everyone tries to shoot everyone else. But the pistols don't work, because the powder is all wet._

**Gibbs:** Fail.

**Pintel: **We can still use them as clubs!

_Ragetti hits Pintel on the head with the back of the pistol._

**Pintel:** Ow, dang it! You don't have to demonstrate!

**Ragetti:** At least we know it works.

_Will is looking at some charts. Because he's cool like that._

**Will:** There's a freshwater spring on this island.

**Jack:** Fresh water. As opposed to...?

**Barbossa:** Seawater, you dingbat. Shut up.

**Will:** Anyway. We can gather some supplies there, and get back to shooting each other later.

**Jack:** Ah. Splendid. Hector, you may have the honor of leading the shore party, and I will remain here and keep watch over my ship.

**Barbossa: **Or not.

**Will:** Why don't you both lead the shore party, and leave the _Black Pearl_ under my command.

**Jack:** That's the worst idea I've ever heard.

**Barbossa:** No, Lord Cutler Beckett is the worst idea you've ever heard.

**Jack:** I'll drink to that.

**Elizabeth: **You'll drink to anything.

**Jack:** I'll drink to that too.

_Barbossa takes out his cool spyglass and looks at the island. Jack pulls the Hubble Space Telescope out of its orbit and looks through it._

**Jack:** Hey, look, chloroplasts!

_Cricket, cricket._

_

* * *

_

For those who don't know, chloroplasts are the parts of a plant cell that convert sunlight and chlorophyll into energy for the plant. Two updates in one day after like a year of hiatus! Huzzah! Because that's what college kids do... procrastinate, forget about stuff, and then spend their free time doing really useless stuff!


	10. Dead Things, Including the Kraken

**Dead Things, Including, But Not Limited to, the Kraken**

_The party goes ashore. They find the dead kraken._

**Pintel:** Holy shiznit.

_Pintel pokes the kraken with a stick._

**Ragetti:** Careful with it!

**Pintel:** Stupid fish!

**Ragetti:** Actually, it's a cephalopod.

**Pintel:** Is that legal?

_Pintel stands on top of the kraken and strikes a pose._

**Pintel:** Hey, someone take my picture!

**Ragetti:** Mine too!

**Pintel:** Pintel and Ragetti, kraken slayers!

**Jack:** First of all, no one would believe that picture wasn't Photoshopped. Second of all, neither Photoshop nor cameras have been invented yet. So get off the stupid dead fish.

**Barbossa:** Well, Jack, are you still thinking of running?

_In the background, Ragetti and Pintel pick up the kraken's tentacles and pretend to attack each other with them._

**Ragetti:** Ahh! It's eating me!

**Pintel:** No! It's got me too!

**Barbossa:** Shut the heck up! You made me forget my lines!

**Jack:** Don't worry about it. I've decided to come with you to the Brethren Court anyway.

**Barbossa:** Oh, have you?

**Jack:** I have.

**Barbossa:** Why?

**Jack:** Mostly because it's in the script. And because we're out of rum, and I'm not thinking clearly.

_They find the spring, but there's a dead Chinese guy in it._

**Jack:** Did he have to die in the only spring on the island? Couldn't he have died over there or something?

**Pintel:** Hey, I know this guy!

**Ragetti:** Isn't that your Uncle Thaddeus?

**Pintel:** I don't have an Uncle Thaddeus. Will has an Uncle Thaddeus. My Uncle's name is Cornelius von Baron Schloffenheimer.

**Ragetti:** My Uncle's name is -

**Barbossa:** Nobody cares.

**Pintel:** This guy was in Singapore! He tried to kill us, remember?

**Ragetti:** Oh, right, right... Hey, look, we've got company!

_Chinese guys appear out of nowhere. Magically. And they aim guns at Jack. Jack points to Barbossa._

**Jack:** He's the Captain!

**Barbossa:** Great. So now I'm the captain. How convenient.

_They all go back to the deck of the Black Pearl, where some really interesting things have been taking place._

**Barbossa:** Hey look, its Sao Feng. Isn't that nifty?

**Sao Feng:** Jack Sparrow, you weren't very nice to me.

**Jack:** Lies.

_Sao Feng decks Jack in the face._

**Sao Feng:** I feel better now.

**Will:** Release Elizabeth, she's not part of the deal.

**Barbossa:** What deal?

**Will:** The one I made with Sao Feng to betray you all. You think I came on this voyage because I like the color scheme of the ship?

**Jack:** You don't like it?

**Will:** Well, there's really not much of a color scheme... everything is just black. So, no.

**Elizabeth:** Why didn't you tell me you were planning this?

**Will:** Why didn't you tell me you killed Jack?

**Elizabeth:** Touche.

**Jack:** Fabulous. He needs the _Pearl_. She felt guilty. You just want to get me to the Brethren Court. Didn't anyone come save me just because they missed me?

_Ragetti and Pintel raise their hands._

**Jack:** I'm going to stand over there with them.

**Sao Feng:** Jack, there's an old friend who wants to see you first.

**Jack:** If by 'friend' you mean 'enemy', and by 'seeing me' you mean 'threatening me', I'd say that sounds about right...

* * *

Short chapter, yes. Exciting, not so much. Here it is anyway! Hope you found some amusement here.


	11. The Dealieo, Part 1

**The Dealie-o, Part 1**

**Beckett:** Wanna know what's weird?

**Jack:** No. Not really.

**Beckett:** I'm going to tell you anyway.

**Jack:** Of course you are.

**Beckett:** Your friends must be desperate.

**Jack:** What friends? Oh, you mean the cretins over there on my ship?

**Beckett:** Shut up while I'm talking! Anyway. Otherwise, they wouldn't have told me they were desperate.

**Jack:** Look! A poodle!

**Beckett:** Ooh! Where?

_Beckett spends the next fifteen minutes looking for the imaginary poodle. Jack takes his time rummaging through Beckett's stuff._

**Beckett:** I don't see any poodle.

**Jack:** Oh. It must have been eaten by the giant squid.

**Beckett:** Giant squid! Where?

_Jack looks around some more while Beckett is again, distracted._

**Beckett:** I don't see a giant squid either.

**Jack:** Your eyesight sucks.

_Beckett pouts._

**Beckett:** Someone messed up my desk. Was it you?

**Jack:** No.

**Beckett:** Well, the heart of Davy Jones isn't here, in case you were thinking of starting to look for it.

**Jack:** Starting to look for it? My dear imbicile, if it were here, I would have found it sixteen and three quarters times already.

_Beckett frowns in confusion._

**Beckett: **Don't say math words at me. They make my head hurt.

**Jack:** Square root. Integral. Seven pi over two...

_Beckett almost starts to cry. Jack has mercy and stops._

**Beckett:** For that, I'm going to make you tell me all kinds of stuff!

**Jack:** Stuff?

**Beckett:** Yeah.

**Jack:** What kind of stuff?

**Beckett:** Piratey stuff.

**Jack:** Piratey stuff. Okay. Well, we like to say "Arr", and we generally bury treasure, and since we're dim-witted like you we generally draw maps with giant red X's where it's hidden, and we like parrots, and -

**Beckett:** No, no, no. I already know all that. I want to know about the Bestest Fort.

_Long, awkward pause._

**Jack:** Well, it's been nice talking to you, but I really must be going...

**Beckett:** Halt!

**Jack:** No one says that.

**Beckett:** You have to tell me about the Bestest Fort!

**Jack:** That's not a thing.

**Beckett:** Yes it is!

**Jack:** No. It absolutely is not. Nor will it ever be. Goodbye.

**Beckett:** I said, Halt!

**Jack:** Yes, you and no one else. There is no such thing as... whatever nonsense you were saying.

**Beckett:** Yeah-huh. Isn't it that thing where all the pirates meet and do secret pirate stuff?

_Pause._

_Jack has a lightbulb moment as he finally figures out what Beckett is talking about._

**Jack:** You mean the Brethren Court?

**Beckett:** Yes! Isn't that what I said?

**Jack:** No, you said... Never mind. If I hear myself saying it I'll have to shoot myself.

**Beckett:** Yeah. Well, tell me all about it.

**Jack:** What about it?

**Beckett:** I want to know about the nine pirate lords. How many are there? Why do they meet at Shipwreck Cove, and where do they meet? What is up with the eight pieces of nine?

_Pause. Jack simply cannot believe that any person can be so stupid and still remember to breathe often enough to stay alive._

**Jack:** Do you want to think about what you just said, and then perhaps rephrase that question?

_Beckett forgets to breathe, and he passes out on the floor. Jack revives him._

**Beckett:** Where were we?

**Jack:** Uh... I had just finished telling you everything I know about the Brethren Court...

**Beckett:** Oh, goody! Now I know all about it! Sucks for you, Mr. Pirate-face.

**Jack:** Yep.

**Beckett:** I'd hate to be you right now.

**Jack:** Well I'd always hate to be you.

_Beckett pouts._

**Jack:** Let me make a deal with you. You can keep Barbossa, the freak and the other freak, and Turner. I'll show you where the Brethren Court is meeting, and you will tell Davy Jones to pretend he never heard of me. Kapeish?

**Beckett:** What about the goose?

_Long, awkward pause. Jack almost stops breathing on purpose just to escape from it._

**Jack:** Once again, you're speaking gibberish. I'm outta here.

**Beckett:** Well, you told me I can have Bob Turner and the Freaks, I want to know if I can have a goose too! You know, the girl who almost shot me in the face and stole the Letters of Marque?

**Jack:** You mean Elizabeth Swann?

**Beckett:** Of course. Duh.

**Jack:** You need to make flashcards or something, and work on your terminology...

**Beckett:** Oh, I made flashcards already. That's where I learned to say, halt!

**Jack:** Fabulous. Well, what do you care about Elizabeth?

**Beckett:** Who?

**Jack:** Never mind then.

**Beckett:** Ooh! Ooh! I just remembered something!

**Jack:** What, your first name?

**Beckett:** No, I still can't remember that. But I did remember that I have a compass that points wherever I want!

**Jack:** You mean, it points to whatever you want most.

**Beckett:** Well, duh. So what do I need you for?

_Jack almost points out that Beckett ended that sentence with a preposition, but decides not to. Beckett probably doesn't even know what a preposition is._

**Jack:** Well, see, the compass points to what you want most. And that's not the Brethren Court.

**Beckett:** Oh yeah? Then what is?

**Jack:** For you, it's probably scones. Or that disturbing thing you call a cat...

_Beckett opens the compass and it points to Aunt Kyle, who is sitting next to a plate of scones._

**Beckett:** Yay! You found Aunt Kyle! And the scones! Okay, so now it'll point to the Brethren Court?

**Jack:** Well, no, because that's still not what you want most. What you want most is for me to be dead.

**Beckett:** Oh yeah.

_Beckett picks up a pistol and aims it at Jack._

**Beckett:** What now, sucker?

_Jack holds up Aunt Kyle as a shield. Beckett has an ultra-severe freak-out attack._

**Beckett:** Holy OMG, Aunt Kyle, no! Don't shoot, don't shoot!

**Jack:** Dude, you're talking to yourself. Put the gun down, and the cat survives.

**Aunt Kyle:** Well played, Jack Sparrow, well played.

**Jack:** How is it that you are smarter than Beckett?

**Aunt Kyle:** It's not hard.

**Jack:** This is the truth.

_Beckett flings his pistol out the window. It goes off and shoots a hole in Barbossa's hat. Barbossa throws an apple at Beckett's ship, but misses. Barbossa pouts. Jack flings Aunt Kyle out the window after the pistol. Beckett pouts._

**Jack:** Okay, wow. Anyway. If I'm not dead, then I can tell the Brethren Court to not shoot your face six hundred and twelve times, therefore rendering you dead beyond recessitation.

**Beckett:** So you're saying I should shoot you?

**Jack:** What? No, that's like the complete opposite of what I just said... No, you should NOT kill me, because if I am ALIVE, I can tell the pirates not to kill YOU.

**Beckett:** Why didn't you say so? Jerk!

_Beckett throws the compass violently at Jack's head. He misses by like eight feet. Jack has to go look through a pile of miscellaneous junk to find the compass. Then he walks over to Beckett and gently drops a fan into Beckett's hands. Beckett somehow manages to miss the fan and drops it, then steps on it and breaks it, then cries because it was his favorite._

**Jack:** Why are you so weird?

**Beckett:** You're weird.

**Jack:** No, I'm Captain Jack Sparrow, sucker.

* * *

I decided to do the scene with Jack and Beckett all at once. The scene on the Black Pearl with Sao Feng, etc, will be the next chapter. :) Credit to my brother for using Aunt Kyle as a shield.


	12. The Dealieo, Part 2

**The Dealie-o, Part 2**

_Mercer, Sao Feng, and Will are about to resolve the descrepancy surrounding the ownership rights of the Black Pearl._

**Sao Feng:** Awesome. Now that this ship is mine...

**Mercer:** I take it from you, and it's mine.

**Will:** What? I thought it was supposed to be mine!

_Sao Feng slaps Will across the face._

**Sao Feng:** Beckett said the ship would be mine.

**Mercer:** Okay, there are several things wrong with the fact that you believed that statement would actually turn into fact. First, you must realize that Beckett has the brain capacity of a squished grasshopper that has been drowned in a vat of rum, and therefore he cannot comprehend the concept of keeping a promise. Second, even if he could, his heart is colder than six degrees below absolute zero on the planet Hoth in winter, and therefore would not keep a promise even if he knew how. Third, Beckett has the attention span of a retarded goldfish, and therefore couldn't remember what he promised even if he knew how and had the desire to keep that promise.

**Sao Feng:** So... I'm not getting the ship?

**Mercer:** Not even sort of.

_Mercer randomly leaves. I guess it's not totally random, since it happens in the movie, but I just thought it would be better if it were random._

**Barbossa: **That was random. Too bad no one keeps to the code anymore. They all suck.

**Sao Feng:** Why, don't you like random? Losing sucks.

**Barbossa:** No, doofus, I don't like people not keeping promises. And your face sucks!

**Sao Feng:** Well, either way, now Beckett has Davy Jones and the _Black Pearl_. What do the Brethren have?

**Barbossa:** The secret scone recipe.

**Sao Feng:** Well, gosh, we're saved then. We'll just bake some scones at Beckett and he'll run away screaming.

_Pause._

**Barbossa:** Oh. Probably not.

**Sao Fang:** No. Probably not. What else do we have?

**Pintel:** Calypso!

**Barbossa:** That was my line!

**Pintel:** Well, you had a chance to say it, but you decided to talk about scones instead. So, I said it for you.

**Barbossa:** Your face has scones.

**Sao Feng:** Doesn't matter. Calypso is nothing but an old legend anyway.

**Barbossa:** Your face is an old legend.

**Sao Feng:** Stop that.

**Barbossa:** Well, I do intend to release her from her human bonds. For that I need the Brethren.

**Sao Feng:** So. What do you propose?

**Barbossa:** I don't know. What would you accept?

**Sao Feng:** The girl.

**Elizabeth:** Wait, what?

**Will:** Elizabeth is not a part of any bargain! ...are you?

**Elizabeth:** No!

**Barbossa:** Out of the question.

**Sao Feng:** It wasn't a question.

**Elizabeth:** Done.

**Will:** Not done!

**Elizabeth:** Will, if you're finished screwing us over, I'd like to save everyone. Done.

**Will:** Elizabeth, they're pirates!

**Elizabeth:** You're a pirate! We're all pirates! Everybody is a pirate!

_Elizabeth decks Will in the face._

**Barbossa:** Sweet. It's settled then.

_Jack is preparing to make a grand escape from Beckett's ship. It involves a catapult, a hang-glider, and night-vision goggles._

**Jack:** Oh, wait. Crap. These things haven't been invented yet.

_Jack rethinks, and his Plan B involves a cannon and a rope._

**Jack:** Yeah, much more period-friendly.

**Beckett:** You're weird.

**Jack:** No, stupid, the line is, "you're mad".

**Beckett:** I'm not angry.

**Jack:** I will be if you don't bloody say the line correctly, dang it! Oh, never mind.

_Jack blasts himself over to the deck of the Black Pearl._

**Jack:** Will, you suck. Go to the brig.

_Back on the deck of the Endeavor, Beckett is harrassing Lieutenant Groves._

**Beckett:** I bet you can't guess what I'm thinking about.

**Groves:** Is it scones?

**Beckett:** ...maybe.

**Groves:** Why don't you go play with your pieces of eight?

**Beckett:** Okay.

**Groves:** First tell me which ship we should follow.

**Beckett:** The _Black Pearl_, duh. Davy Jones is following the Chinamobile.

**Groves:** Wow. That was racist.

**Beckett:** Don't be absurd. I haven't won a race in years.

**Groves:** I can't imagine why.

**Beckett:** When can this ship be ready to sail?

_Behind them, the mast explodes._

**Groves:** Well, probably as soon as we fix that... Jack Sparrow is a freaking beast, just by the way.

* * *

Another chapter, yay!


	13. Miscellaneous Fails in the Ocean

**Some Miscellaneous Fails in the Middle of the Ocean**

_Sao Feng and Elizabeth are on the Chinese pirate ship. Elizabeth is dressed up in ridiculous Chinese clothes._

**Sao Feng:** Don't worry, Calypso. I got this under control.

**Elizabeth:** Huh?

**Sao Feng:** Well, what else should I call you?

**Elizabeth: **What are you even talking about?

**Sao Feng:** You confirm it.

**Elizabeth:** You haven't said anything!

**Sao Feng:** Hey, settle down. If I had been there I would've been like, "Whoa, man, don't bind her. That sucks."

**Elizabeth:** Oh, I get it now. You think I'm Calypso.

**Sao Feng:** Well, duh, why else would everyone be so interested in you?

**Elizabeth:** Because I'm the only woman in the movie. And I'm hot.

**Sao Feng:** You bet you are.

_Sao Feng kisses her. Then Norrington fires a cannon at a shard of wood, and the wood skewers Sao Feng in the gut._

**Elizabeth:** That's lame.

**Sao Feng:** Yeah, especially since you have to be captain now. Here, take the stupid piece of eight.

_Tai Huang appears in the doorway._

**Tai Huang:** Captain, our defenses suck at life and so the ship has already been taken over.

_Sao Feng dies._

**Elizabeth:** He's dead. I'm the captain now.

**Tai Huang:** Fabulous. We're screwed.

_They go out and are grabbed by some of the British guys who are working for Beckett/Davy Jones/Norrington/whoever else._

**Tai Huang:** You're not my captain.

**Elizabeth:** Whatever. Oh, look, it's Norrington.

**Norrington:** Elizabeth!

_He hugs her._

**Norrington:** You're fun to hug.

**Elizabeth:** Creeper.

**Norrington:** I mean, your father will be glad to know you're alive.

**Elizabeth:** Yeah, about that. He's dead.

**Norrington:** Don't be absurd. He returned to England.

**Elizabeth:** So that's the official story?

_Awkward..._

**Davy Jones:** Who is your captain?

**Tai Huang:** It's her!

**Elizabeth:** Your loyalties are really fleeting aren't they?

**Norrington:** Tow the shp and put these losers in the brig. Elizabeth gets to share... I mean, have, my cabin.

**Elizabeth:** No thanks. I'll stay in the brig.

**Norrington:** I didn't know! I swear!

**Elizabeth:** Didn't know what? That I'm engaged to someone else? Or which side you chose?

_Norrington makes the same rejection face he made in the first movie._

_Elizabeth goes to the brig with the Chinese pirates and starts looking for Bootstrap._

**Elizabeth:** Boostrap? Is that you?

**Random Undead Fish-man: **Nope, sorry, I'm Joe.

**Elizabeth:** Of course you are. Where's Bootstrap Bill Turner?

**Bootstrap:** Over here.

_He's behind her, half-attached to the ship._

**Elizabeth:** That's freaky.

**Bootstrap:** No, what's freaky is that you know my name.

**Elizabeth:** Not really. I know your son.

**Bootstrap: **William?

**Elizabeth:** No, your other only son.

_Bootstrap has a feeling he's heard that before... If you haven't, read my Pirates 2 parody._

**Bootstrap:** Anyway, has he sent you to tell me he's alive and he's on his way to save me?

**Elizabeth:** Well... he's alive... and he did say something about helping you...

**Bootstrap:** Yeah, figures. Randy, go away!

**Elizabeth:** What?

**Bootstrap:** Sorry. The voices are coming for me. Randy, go bother Wyvern! Geesh. Sorry, Elizabeth, what was I saying?

**Elizabeth:** I don't know.

**Bootstrap:** Wait, you're Elizabeth?

**Elizabeth:** You just said that...

**Bootstrap:** Oh. Well, in that case, I'm done for.

_Elizabeth has a feeling she's heard that before... If you haven't, read my Pirates 1 parody._

**Elizabeth:** Jerk.

**Bootstrap:** No, it's not like that. If Will stabs Jones, then he has to become the new Captain. It's either me or you, darling, and we both know he won't pick me. Randy, you suck!

_The ship once again weirdly engulfs Bootstrap._

**Elizabeth:** Bootstrap...?

**Bootstrap:** You know my name?

**Elizabeth:** I could be mistaken, but I swear we just had this conversation.

_Over on the Endeavor, some guys who work for Beckett are pulling a random barrel aboard. Strangely enough, there's a dead guy tied to it. Even stranger, there's a bottle tied to the dead guy._

**Beckett:** Eew, it's dead. Throw it back.

_The random sailors would really hate to get fired, so they comply._

**Nameless Leftenant Guy: **Lord Beckett, in Mercer's absence, it is my duty to tell you that you had a purpose for having that brought on board.

**Beckett:** Your point?

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** I'm only suggesting that maybe you still needed that.

**Beckett:** Well, in Mercer's absence, it's your job to go get it.

_The Nameless Leftenant does so._

**Beckett:** Eew, it's still dead. Oh, look, a message in a bottle!

_Beckett takes the Leftenant Guy's sword and cuts the bottle free. Then he throws the sword overboard. The Leftenant Guy goes to retrieve his sword. _

_Beckett repeatedly beats the bottle agains the side of the ship, but it doesn't break._

**Nameless Leftenant Guy: **Do you need help?

**Beckett:** No, does it look like I need help?

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** Yes.

_The Leftenant Guy breaks the bottle for Beckett. Beckett still manages to cut himself on a shard of glass._

**Beckett:** This message is lame. It's just a blank piece of cloth.

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** It's upside-down, Lord Beckett.

**Beckett:** Oh.

_He turns the cloth over and sees the EITC symbol._

**Beckett:** The message is still lame! Throw this overboard!

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** How about if I don't throw it overboard, and save myself the trouble of having to retrieve it later?

**Beckett:** Whatever. Hey, look, bagels!

_Awkward pause._

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** I think you mean scones...

**Beckett:** No, you dodo-brain, I know what scones are. I'm talking about the birds over there. Bagels.

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** Those are seagulls. They fly over the sea.

**Beckett:** Follow them!

**Nameless Leftenant Guy:** Only if you never say dodo-brain again.

_Now we go over to the Black Pearl, and get to see the source of the dead guys. Will is tying a random dead dude to a barrel. Jack is watching from nearby._

**Jack:** Will, how the heck did you get out of the brig?

**Will:** You didn't lock the door.

**Jack:** Oh. Well, anyway, do you notice something?

**Will:** Yeah, I noticed that this guy's clothes don't match. I mean, who wears a navy coat with black shoes? That's just... bad.

**Jack:** Will, try not to be weird. Do you notice the lack of something?

**Will:** Um, you're not drinking rum?

_Jack has a minor freak-out attack. Then he realizes that he had been drinking rum five minutes ago, and he'll probably be okay for another five minutes or so._

**Jack:** You are really stupid, Will. I'll just tell you. I haven't raised an alarm.

**Will:** That was going to be my next guess.

**Jack:** No, your next guess was going to be that Elizabeth is not here.

_Will pouts because Jack is right. And also because Elizabeth is not there._

**Jack:** But I have to ask you, Will, what the heck are you doing?

**Will:** Well, I said to myself, "Self, think like Jack."

**Jack:** Obviously your self doesn't know me at all. Why on earth would I want you, or me, to lead Beckett to Shipwreck Cove?

**Will:** Ulterior motives?

**Jack:** Well, duh. But I must say that it's kind of unnerving that you've got all these dead bodies lying around. Where did you even find them?

_Awkward pause._

**Jack:** Anyway, how does Elizabeth feel about this plan?

**Will:** Um...

**Jack:** Oh, so you haven't told her. Well, enjoy your trust issues. But here's something to consider. Don't stab Jones. Let someone else do it instead.

**Will:** Like who? Beckett?

**Jack:** Yeah, let Beckett do it. That would be a fun party.

_Pause._

**Jack:** That was sarcasm. Here's my real plan. I magically board the _Dutchman_, I find the heart, I stab it, and everyone goes free. Me, your father, you, Elizabeth...

**Will:** You have to do the job, you know. You can't just frolic around the ocean forever.

**Jack:** I do not frolic. Here, hold this for a second, I need to tie my shoe.

_Jack hands Will the compass, then performs the only Beckett-like action of his life and throws Will overboard. Then he drops the dead guy on him._

**Jack:** I have a message for Davy Jones. Tell him, "I found it behind the cotton swabs."

**Will:** You suck.

* * *

Oh, hey, look, an update! Kind of an awkward sequence to write, with no good breaks. But hey, there it is. Credit to my brother for Jack's cryptic message.


	14. Randy

**Randy**

_Over on the Flying Dutchman, Norrington is unlocking the brig._

**Norrington:** Jailbreak!

_Elizabeth gives him a weird look._

**Norrington:** Hurry up before I change my mind.

_The Chinese pirates escape._

**Elizabeth:** What are you doing?

**Norrington:** Breaking you out of jail. Duh.

_They leave. Bootstrap detaches from the wall and looks around._

**Bootstrap:** Hey, there's no one here... That's weird. I could've sworn there were people here just a moment ago...

**Randy:** They're trying to get off the ship! Oh no! You've got to stop them!

_The Chinese pirates are doing just that, getting off the ship. Elizabeth and Norrington are left._

**Norrington:** Don't go to Shipwreck Cove. Beckett knows about the Brethren. I fear there may be a traitor among them.

**Elizabeth:** You are a wonder of deductive reasoning. Beckett can't figure out how to tie his shoes, let alone that there is a Brethren Court, so yeah, I'd say there's probably a traitor.

**Norrington:** I was only trying to be helpful.

**Elizabeth:** Oh, well in that case, you're forgiven. We'll just forget all about how you betrayed us and joined Beckett.

**Norrington:** I know I'm a loser, okay? At least I didn't kill your father.

**Elizabeth:** It's a step in the right direction. Come with us, maybe there's still hope for you.

_Bootstrap approaches._

**Randy:** There they are! Get them!

**Bootstrap:** Who goes there?

**Norrington:** This situation is going to suck in about five seconds, so, Elizabeth, I suggest you get out of here while you still can.

**Elizabeth:** And you'll catch up with us, right?

**Norrington:** Sure.

**Elizabeth:** Lies.

**Norrington:** Look, Elizabeth, if we were meant to be together, you wouldn't have jumped off the battlements when I proposed.

_Norrington kisses her._

**Norrington:** I've always wanted to do that.

**Elizabeth:** Well, duh, you've only been leering at me for like three whole movies already.

_Elizabeth climbes out on the tow rope towards the Chinese ship._

**Bootstrap:** No one is supposed to leave the ship.

**Randy:** You tell 'em, Bootstrap!

**Norrington:** Give it up. I'm in charge here.

**Randy:** Don't listen to him. He's not one of us. Part of the crew, part of the ship.

**Bootstrap:** Part of the crew, part of the ship... Part of the crew, part of the ship...

**Norrington:** Um... that's freaking me out a little... Stand down!

**Randy:** Raise the alarm!

**Bootstrap:** Hey, everybody! The prisoners are escaping!

**Norrington:** Just kidding! He lies!

_Elizabeth sees what's going on and starts to come back to help. Norrington shoots at the tow line, but misses. He awkwardly reloads his pistol, and tries again. He misses again. He finally walks up to the tow line and starts chopping at it with his sword._

**Randy:** Is this guy for real?

_The line breaks and Elizabeth falls into the water._

**Bootstrap:** Done?

**Norrington:** Yeah, proceed.

**Randy:** Kill him!

_Bootstrap stabs Norrington with a log._

**Norrington:** You suck.

_Randy laughs maniacally. Bootstrap suddenly realizes that Randy has been working for Beckett this whole time._

_Norrington falls over. Naturally, as with any public calamity, a crowd gathers._

**Undead Fish-man Gerald:** The Admiral's dead?

**Norrington:** Not yet, you idiot.

_Suddenly, wonder of all wonders, Gillette appears._

**Gillette:** Admiral Norrington! Admiral Norrington, sir!

**Norrington:** Gillette, what are you doing here? I thought you were dead.

**Gillette:** So did everyone else, sir, but Wikipedia insists that I'm going to be in the fourth movie!

**Norrington:** There's a reliable source.

**Gillette:** Anyway, sir, I just came to tell you that I've done it!

**Norrington:** Done what? Single-handedly caused the world as we know it to fall into chaos?

**Gillette:** No, of course not, sir. Everyone knows Beckett's doing that. I've done something much better.

**Norrington:** Gillette, you're ruining my death scene. Hurry up and say what you want to tell me.

**Gillette:** I've invented aspirin, sir!

**Norrington:** You are without doubt the worst Lieutenant I have ever seen.

**Gillette:** But, sir, I thought you'd be proud of me...

**Norrington:** I'm a little busy at the moment, in case you hadn't noticed.

**Davy Jones:** James Norrington, do you fear death?

_Norrington stabs Davy Jones with his sword._

**Norrington:** You suck.

_Norrington dies._

**Davy Jones:** I'll take that as a no. Your sword is kinda awesome by the way.

_Davy Jones is second-to-last on the List of People Norrington Wants to Have Touching his Awesome Commodore Sword. If you read my Pirates 2 parody, you'll remember that Beckett is dead last._

_Davy Jones goes somewhere and meets Mercer._

**Mercer:** Check it out. I've got the key.

**Davy Jones:** Oh hey. Look at that.

**Mercer:** The Dutchman is under my command.

**Davy Jones:** Sure, go for it. I'm just going to kill you later and take it back anyway.

_Davy Jones leaves._

**Mercer:** Finally, I get to be in charge of something, for real, without Beckett! Yay!

_Davy Jones pouts because he has to listen to Mercer, and Mercer is annoying. Gillette pouts because Norrington did not praise his accomplishment. Norrington pouts because he's dead, and it sucks. Norrington's Sword pouts because it doesn't like Davy Jones. The key pouts because it doesn't like Mercer. The heart pouts because everyone is fighting over it, and the pressure is just too much for it to handle. Somewhere in Switzerland, a random guy pouts because he just stubbed his toe and wishes he had some aspirin. He has nothing to do with the storyline._

* * *

Yeah, least favorite scene ever. Even though I was super-mad at Norrington after the second movie, when he got stabbed I was pretty mad too. If you read Shakespeare, the guy is basically a tragic hero... Anyway, this scene is depressing, so I hope I managed to make it a little better. :) Credit to my brother for Norrington having a fail with the tow line. Oh, and Wikipedia really does say that Gillette will be in Pirates 4, which is at odds with IMDb. Interesting...


	15. Broken Boat Bay

**Broken Boat Bay**

_The Black Pearl is randomly hanging out near a freaky-looking big rock._

**Gibbs:** Everybody pay attention. The GPS says we're heading towards Shipwreck Cove on Shipwreck Island right outside the town of Shipwreck.

**Jack:** How unoriginal.

**Gibbs:** The GPS?

**Jack:** No, the naming. There's no such thing as a GPS. Not yet.

**Gibbs: **You think you could do better?

**Jack:** Duhrr. I once sailed with a guy who had six arms, three legs, and eyes in the back of his head. And one antenna that poked out the top of his head.

**Gibbs:** What did you call him?

**Jack:** Anthony MacGregor.

**Gibbs:** Dot dot dot question mark...?

**Jack:** Never mind.

_Barbossa and Tia Dalma are having a random conversation elsewhere on the ship._

**Barbossa:** Here's the thing. I'm going to keep my promise. But you know how I am with negotiations and terms of agreements and such.

**Tia Dalma:** If it weren't for me, you'd still be a rotting corpse.

**Barbossa:** If it weren't for me, you'd still be a rotting corpse!

**Tia Dalma:** I'm really confused as to why you just repeated me...

**Barbossa:** Oh, sorry, I got carried away.

**Tia Dalma:** I don't like you very much. I should send you back.

**Barbossa:** Fine then, don't get unbound. See if I care. Pintel and Ragetti, take this fishwife to the brig!

**Pintel:** Right this way, Mrs. Fish.

**Tia Dalma:** Your mom was a fish.

_Will is aboard the Endeavour having tea with Beckett. Losers._

**Beckett:** ...and then, when I was nine, my Daddy bought me a pony for my birthday! I named her Grandpa Cuffle-poo and I rode her every day. Well, I didn't exactly ride, because Mum was always afraid I would fall off and break my arm, but I pretended to.

**Will:** That's fascinating.

**Beckett:** I'm good at pretending.

_Will is spared the rest of Beckett's life story when Davy Jones enters the room._

**Davy Jones:** You're having a tea party and didn't invite me?

**Will:** It's no loss, really.

**Davy Jones:** Oh, hey Will. Did you miss me already?

**Will:** Not quite.

**Beckett:** Guess what? I'm Will's new favorite.

**Will:** No you're not.

**Davy Jones: **Can we please move on?

**Beckett:** Okay.

**Will:** Oh, Jack Sparrow says hi. And he told me to tell you something about a cotton swab... or a cotton gin... or a Q-tip, or something. Whatever that means.

**Davy Jones:** I knew it!

**Beckett:** What? What did he know? Tell me! I want to know too!

**Davy Jones:** Wait... Sparrow? I thought I killed him...

**Will:** Oh, so Beckett didn't tell you?

**Beckett:** Well, see, I was going to, but then Aunt Kyle had the sniffles and I...

**Will:** We rescued Jack from the locker. And we rescued his ship too.

**Davy Jones:** What else has Beckett not told me?

**Will:** Santa isn't real. Your parents give you the presents.

**Davy Jones:** What? Santa's not real! No!

**Beckett:** Oh, there's lots of other things too. We'll start on the day I was born. I was just telling Will all about it, wasn't I, Will? Anyway, it was a cold, rainy day in October, and that morning my mother and father...

**Davy Jones:** Nobody cares. I kind of hoped you had something more important to talk about.

**Beckett:** Calypso.

_Davy Jones bursts into tears. Will and Beckett feel awkward for like five minutes until Davy Jones finally composes himself._

**Davy Jones:** We're better off without her.

**Will:** Um, she's not exactly gone... The Brethren Court is planning to free her.

**Davy Jones: **The logic of that decision escapes me. We agreed to have her bound forever.

**Will:** We?

**Davy Jones:** Uh... I mean, they...

**Will:** Too late.

**Davy Jones:** Fine! I showed them how to bind her. No big deal.

_Will puts 2 and 2 together. Beckett tries to do so too, but he keeps getting 7._

**Will:** I get it. She's the one you loved. And then you betrayed her. I wouldn't know anything about that.

**Davy Jones:** She betrayed me first!

**Will:** I wouldn't know anything about that either.

**Beckett:** OMG FORESHADOWING AND SYMBOLISM!

**Will:** Lies.

**Davy Jones:** How did he figure that out and yet he can't even add 2 and 2?

**Will:** Never mind. I want to know, after which betrayal did you cut out your heart?

_Davy Jones flings Will's teacup across the room for dramatic effect. The teacup shatters into tiny bits._

**Beckett:** That belonged to Mum!

**Will:** Jones, you will free my father.

**Beckett:** Yeah, you hear that, Fish Boy?

**Will:** And you, Lord Beckett, will guarantee that Elizabeth and I can get married without having to ever deal with you again.

**Beckett:** You mean I'm not invited to the wedding?

**Will:** Not even sort of.

_Beckett pouts._

**Davy Jones:** Can I come?

**Will:** Negatory.

_Davy Jones pouts._

**Will:** Oh, stop it. Calypso is aboard the _Black Pearl._ Jack Sparrow has sailed to Shipwreck Cove.

**Beckett:** What's Shipwreck Cove?

**Will:** Um, it's the place where the Brethren Court meets... We talked about this, remember?

**Beckett:** Yeah, but I thought it was called Broken Boat Bay.

**Will:** No, that was the stupid soap opera you made me watch with you this morning.

**Beckett:** Oh. Well. You are not on the _Black Pearl_.

_Awkward pause._

**Davy Jones:** Uhh... frogs can't swallow with their eyes open.

**Beckett:** What?

**Davy Jones:** Oh, sorry, I thought we were just throwing out useless bits of information.

**Beckett:** No. Obviously, what I meant was, how is Will going to show us where this Cove place is?

**Davy Jones:** Oh, obviously.

**Beckett:** Duh.

**Will:** What is it you want most?

**Beckett:** I want Grandpa Cuffle-poo back... I miss her...

_Will throws the compass at Beckett._

**Will:** Gosh, you are so weird.

_Will and Davy Jones leave to go have a drink and discuss how much they really don't like Beckett._

* * *

Yay for fun with Beckett! Credit to my brother for Santa Claus.


	16. Fidget Toys

**Fidget Toys**

_Lots of pirate ships have gathered at Shipwreck Cove._

Pintel: Shiznit. That's a lot of ships.

Barbossa: No kidding. Last time the pirate lords gathered like this, your mom was still wearing diapers.

Jack: Yeah, and I owe them all tickets to Sea World.

_Pintel and Barbossa ignore Jack because Sea World doesn't exist yet._

_Inside the meeting place, it's chaos. Barbossa tries to restore order._

Barbossa: All right, I'd like to call this meeting to order...

_Nobody listens._

Barbossa: Um, excuse me, I think it's time... If you could listen up for a moment...

_Still nothing._

Ragetti: Everybody shut up!

_Everyone shuts up and looks at Ragetti._

Ragetti: Thank you. Now if you don't mind, Captain Barbossa would like to say something.

Jack: He's not the Captain.

Barbossa: Jack, nobody asked you. Anyway, at this time we will collect the pieces of eight.

_Ragetti looks around for something he can use to collect the pieces of eight. He knows he brought a dish thing just for this purpose, but it's gone and he has a feeling Cotton took it to use as a frying pan to make bacon and eggs. Instead, Ragetti steals Barbossa's hat and the pirate lords put their pieces of eight into the hat._

_Pintel watches as the pieces of eight are collected, and realizes that they're not pieces of eight at all. They include things like a train ticket from 1702, a matchbox car, a pink bouncy ball, a picture of Norrington's grandma, and other such fidget toys._

Pintel: Those aren't pieces of eight. They're just fidget toys.

Gibbs: Well, okay. When we originally bound Calypso, we weren't quite the affluent bunch that we are now. So we improvised.

Pintel: Then why didn't you change the name? Calling them pieces of eight is kinda misleading, you know...

Gibbs: Oh, so we should've called it "Nine Pieces of the Kind of Stuff Your Third Grade Teacher Would Confiscate from you for Playing With it in Class?" Yeah, that sounds piratey.

Pintel: Fair.

_Barbossa Gibbs-slaps Ragetti and steals the eyeball._

Swedish Pirate Lord Sven: Okay, Jack, you too.

Jack: Not till Sao Feng gets here.

_Elizabeth randomly shows up._

Elizabeth: Then you're going to be waiting a while. The _Flying Dutchman_ killed him.

_Elizabeth stabs her sword into the large pincushion globe thing._

Jack: You've got to be freaking kidding me.

Elizabeth: Nope. Beckett is in control of the _Flying Dutchman_, and someone was brilliant enough to tell him where we are. So we're pretty screwed right now.

Jamaican Pirate Lord Mufasa: Where is the betrayer?

Jack: Not here.

Elizabeth: Where's Will?

Jack: Not here. Hmm. Interesting.

Barbossa: Okay, now that we've established that Will sucks, what do we do about it?

Elizabeth: We fight!

Chinese Pirate Lord Lady: Or not. We've got enough Easy Mac to last years! Plus, we just subscribed to cable, and we've got Guitar Hero 4 in the back.

Barbossa: Guitar Hero? You know Teague will just own us all.

Chinese Pirate Lord Lady: You got a better idea?

Barbossa: Don't I always?

Jack: You always think you do.

Barbossa: I say we release Calypso.

Irish Pirate Lord O'Reilly: Shoot him!

Jamaican Pirate Lord Mufasa: Cut out his tongue!

Jack: Shoot him and cut out his tongue, then shoot his tongue. And brush his nasty teeth.

Tai Huang: Sao Feng votes for freeing Calypso.

Jamaican Pirate Lord Mufasa: Uh, guys, Calypso wasn't exactly our friend back then.

French Pirate Lord Jaques: That's why she was bound in the first place.

Italian Pirate Lord Mario: Release her!

French Pirate Lord Jaques: Your face!

Italian Pirate Lord Mario: Your mom!

French Pirate Lord Jaques: Your mom's face!

Italian Pirate Lord Mario: You didn't just go there.

French Pirate Lord Jaques: Oh, I went there.

_Insert mass chaos here as all the pirate lords try to kill each other._

Elizabeth: This is freaking nuts.

Jack: This is politics.

Elizabeth: And people wonder why I hated being the governor's daughter.

Barbossa: Wait, you're the governor's daughter? You told me you were just a maid in his house...

Elizabeth: I also told you my last name was Turner.

Barbossa: That wasn't very nice of you.

Elizabeth: You started it.

Barbossa: Fair enough.

* * *

This one is on the short side (like Beckett) but otherwise it would have been absurdly long. The next bit is written and you will see it soon. (As soon as I come up with a clever chapter title for it.) :)


	17. Your Mom! No, make that, Your Dad!

**"Your Mom!" No, Wait, Make that, "Your Dad!"**

_Over on the Black Pearl, Tia Dalma and Davy Jones are having a "moment" in the highly romantic setting that is the brig._

Tia Dalma: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Davy Jones: Has thou not long expected my return?

Tia Dalma: Trapped within these bones I am not free.  
Too long have I been parted from the sea,  
from all I love and most of all from thee.

Davy Jones: Ten years I spent devoted to the job  
charged by you to me. I suffered long.  
Upon the land I came but thou wert gone.

Tia Dalma: Tis not my nature to be tied to land.  
Would thou love me for naught but what I am?

Davy Jones: I love thee not.

Tia Dalma: Many things thee wert, but never cold.  
Thineself you have corrupted be thee told;  
locked away thine heart and lost thy soul.  
It should belong to me and this thee knows.

_Tia Dalma pokes Jones in the chest, and he suddenly looks remarkably unfishlike. He puts a hand through the bars._

Davy Jones: Calypso.

Tia Dalma: When I am free I shall give thee mine heart.  
Together forever and never shall we part.  
Unfortunate that so heartless thine now art.

_She takes her hand away and Jones' tentacles come back. And his claw is caught in the bars. Fail. Fortunately, he is magic and just walks all the way through the bars into the cell. Nifty._

Tia Dalma: Why hast thou come?

Davy Jones: What fate has thou conspired for those so cruel?

Tia Dalma: The Brethren Court mine fury they shall know.  
What fate hast thou now chosen for thine own?

Davy Jones: Mine heart forever shall belong to thee.

_He exits through the wall of the ship. He's an emo fishface, so he can do that._

_Meanwhile, the Brethren Court is still in chaos. Ragetti sets off a grenade to silence everyone._

_Barbossa leaps up onto a chair to make a grand speech, but the chair breaks and he falls down to the floor, very ungracefully._

Barbossa: Can I try that again?

Jack: I don't see the point.

_Barbossa has a feeling he's heard that before. If you haven't, read my Pirates 2 parody. Barbossa awkwardly stands up to make his announcement from the floor so he doesn't risk breaking more furniture._

Barbossa: Anyway, the way I figure it, if we are kind enough to release Calypso, she'll see fit to grant us boons.

Jack: Boons? Who says 'boons'? Besides Beckett, but that's a given.

Barbossa: Fine. You have a better idea?

Jack: Cuttlefish. Duh.

_Cricket, cricket..._

Barbossa: Well there you go. Cuttlefish. It's settled, then.

Jack: I wasn't finished.

Barbossa: Then why did you stop talking?

Jack: That was a pause for dramatic effect.

_Awkward pause._

Jack: Anyway, as I was saying, before Barbossa completely destroyed the moment...

Barbossa: Sorry, okay?

Jack: I still hate you. Anyway. The analogy was going to be awesome, but now it's dead, thanks to Barbossa.

Barbossa: I said I was sorry.

Jack: If we stay here, all locked up with nothing to do except watch TV and play Guitar Hero, we're all going to kill each other sooner or later. First of all, there's only one TV. And I happen to know for a fact that Barbossa's favorite soap opera is on at the same time as my Bonanza reruns. And suppose, at the same time, Ragetti and Pintel want to play Guitar Hero? It simply won't work.

Barbossa: So, obviously, we release Calypso!

Jack: Or, we could release Calypso like Barbossa says, and we all know how well his ideas have worked out in the past. Stealing cursed Aztec gold, that was brilliant.

Barbossa: Hey, we're not gonna go there.

Jack: Fair enough. But the way I see it, we only have one option. I agree with... with... I can't say it. We have to fight.

Barbossa: You've always run away from a fight. Chicken.

Jack: Am not.

Barbossa: Are too.

Jack: Lies.

Barbossa: Is not.

Jack: Your face!

Barbossa: Your mom!

Jack: Your hat!

Barbossa:_ Your_ hat!

Jack: Your beard!

Barbossa: Your... your... Only the pirate king can declare an act of war!

Jack: That is a fraudulent claim!

Barbossa: Tis not. I call on Captain Teague, Keeper of the Code!

Jack: Oh, crap. I wonder if he ever found out about... Nah, probably not.

_Captain Teague appears._

Teague: About the cookies you stole from your mom's cookie jar? Yeah, I found out about that. You're grounded.

_Jack pouts._

Assistant to Indian Pirate Lord Raj: Screw the code. It's lame anyways.

_Teague pulls a lever and the guy falls through a trap door._

Teague: The code rocks, sucker, almost as much as I do. So there.

_Groves' great-great-great Uncle Morgan and great-great-great Uncle Bartholomew bring the most ginormous book ever and put it on the table. Teague whistles, and the Key Doggie shows up, carrying, not ironically at all, a key. The key unlocks the giant book. It's the code book._

Ragetti: Wait, now how did the pooch...?

Teague: I sent my private jet to pick him up.

_Teague looks through the code, skipping over the parts concerning things like sea turtles, color schemes, seagulls, and Gillette, until he comes to the part that says the king gets to declare war._

Teague: Five points for Barbossa.

Jack: Dang.

French Pirate Lord Jaques: Well, since we haven't had a king in like forever and that's not likely to change... I'd say we're not going to war.

Elizabeth: Why not?

Gibbs: The king is elected by popular vote.

Barbossa: And everyone always just votes for himself.

Elizabeth: You don't vote for King.

Jack: I call for a vote!

_The pirates vote and everyone votes for himself, until..._

Jack: I vote for Elizabeth Swann!

Elizabeth: Wait, what?

Jack: That was weird, wasn't it?

Gibbs: Why didn't you vote for me?

Barbossa: Because you're not a pirate lord, you dummy.

Jamaican Pirate Lord Mufasa: Why didn't you vote for me, then?

_All the pirate lords start arguing again._

Jack: Oh, so you're going to not keep to the code?

_Captain Teague smashes his guitar over the nearest pirate's head._

Ragetti: That was awesome!

Chinese Pirate Lord Lady: Whatever. What say you, quote-unquote Captain Swann?

Elizabeth: Prepare every vessel that floats. And even the ones that don't float, just tie them to some inflatable rafts or something, and prepare them too. At dawn we're going to show Beckett who's boss. Which is me. Because I'm the king.

_Barbossa pouts. He's still bitter that he didn't win. He and Ragetti steal the pieces of eight._

Indian Pirate Lord Raj: Yay! Cannons!

_The pirate lords kinda disperse. Except Jack, who goes to visit with Teague for some father-son bonding time._

Jack: Don't look at me like that. You somehow managed to survive. That's the trick, isn't it?

Teague: Yeah, that, and not being a douchebag.

Jack: Oh.

Teague: About those cookies of your mom's...

Jack: They weren't for me, I swear. I gave them to a poor orphan boy who hadn't eaten in three days.

Teague: Lies.

Jack: Okay, fine. I wanted to impress Tabitha Cummings.

Teague: And how did that work out for ya?

Jack: She broke up with me when she found out I lied when I told her I made them myself.

Teague: Ever wonder how she found that out?

Jack: You're a terrible parent.

Teague: And you're a terrible son. Gimme a hug.

Jack: Fine.

* * *

Longer chapter this time, yay! Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, and five points to anyone who picked up on the iambic pentameter (I know it wasn't perfect Shakespearean style, but hey, this is a fanfiction). Credit to my brother for that idea, and for the trap door.


	18. Seagulls and Spiders, among other things

**Seagulls and Spiders (among other things)**

_On the deck of the Black Pearl, the pirates are watching the Endeavour emerge out of some conveniently-located ominous mist._

Marty: All right, time for some ownage!

_But wait, the Endeavour is not alone. Another six-and-a-half gazillion ships appear on the horizon._

Parrot: I'm outta here.

_The parrot flies away._

Jack: Parlay?

_Barbossa, Jack, and Elizabeth walk the long way across a sandbar to meet Beckett, Will, and Davy Jones. Jones is standing in a bucket of water._

Barbossa: Will, I knew there was something I didn't like about you.

Beckett: Hey, don't blame Will. Everybody look to your right.

_Jack looks at Elizabeth, Elizabeth looks at Barbossa, and Barbossa looks to his right._

Barbossa: What? I don't see anything.

Elizabeth: He's talking about you. You betrayed us!

Will: Lord Beckett, you've got your right and left mixed up again.

Beckett: Phooey. Look to your left then.

_Barbossa looks at Elizabeth, and Elizabeth looks at Jack. Jack looks to his left and sees a seagull._

Jack: Betrayer! You're dead to me!

_The seagull gets weirded out and flies away._

Elizabeth: I think he meant you, Jack.

Jack: Don't be preposterous. I had nothing to do with any of this.

Davy Jones: You had everything to do with all of this!

Will: Hey, I want some credit too!

Jack: Listen to the whelp. Give him some credit.

Elizabeth: Will, your father killed Norrington.

Will: Good riddance.

Elizabeth: No, I mean, he's nuts.

Will: Norrington?

Elizabeth: Your father.

Will: Norrington's not my father.

Elizabeth: No, Will, your father is nuts. I don't think rescuing him is going to work out, unless you've already got reservations at Sunnyside Sanitarium.

Will: Phooey.

Jack: You've been hanging out with Beckett too long.

Will: No kidding.

Beckett: We're pretty much BFF's, aren't we, Will?

Will: Not even remotely.

_Jack's compass falls out of Beckett's pocket._

Elizabeth: Jack, isn't that your compass? What's Beckett doing with it?

Jack: Stealing it, obviously. Give it back, jerkface.

_Jack steals the compass back._

Beckett: Hey, that's mine. Will gave it to me.

Barbossa: Well, gosh, now how would Will have ended up with Jack's compass?

_Jack makes an exaggerated effort at looking confused at the compass._

Jack: Oh, never mind. This isn't my compass after all. Just kidding.

Davy Jones: Jack, you owe me a hundred years of service.

Jack: Lies. Elizabeth let the kraken eat me, what more do you want?

Davy Jones: Obviously that punishment wasn't effective since you're still here.

Jack: Obviously your face wasn't effective because it got replaced by tentacles.

Elizabeth: I have an idea. Beckett can have Jack, and we get Will in exchange.

Davy Jones: That doesn't sound like a very fair trade.

Will: Sounds good to me.

Jack: No it doesn't!

Beckett: Um, excuse me, I'm still in charge here. And I would like to make a decree.

Barbossa: No one has made a "decree" since the year zero.

Beckett: I'm starting a new trend.

Barbossa: Please don't.

Beckett: I decree that Jack gets to be captured by Davy Jones. There. I said it. So ha.

Barbossa: Now wait a minute, Jack and I still have a game of Guitar Hero to finish. You can't just go handing him over to people.

Elizabeth: I'm the king. So there.

Jack: You suck at kinging.

Barbossa: Jack, you have some sand in your hair, let me fix that for you.

_Barbossa steals Jack's piece of eight instead._

Jack: Thief. Did you at least get the sand out of my hair?

Elizabeth: There never was any sand.

Jack: Then why did he say...? Oh. I get it. Jerk.

Beckett: If you're finished squabbling like children, it's time for Jack to be Davy Jones' prisoner.

_Jack and Will switch places._

Davy Jones: Do you fear death?

Jack: Yeah, I guess, but spiders are what really give me the jitters.

Beckett: All right, Brethren Court. All your base are belong to us.

_Pause._

Barbossa: I'm done.

_He leaves. Elizabeth and Will follow._

* * *

Short scene, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. :) Credit to my brother for the spiders. Reviews would make me happy on this cold, rainy day!


	19. Pyromaniacs and Pickup Lines

**Pyromaniacs and Pick-up Lines**

_Jack is in the brig of the Flying Dutchman. And he's pouting about it. Some Jack replicas appear._

Replica 1: What are you pouting about? Wasn't this part of the plan?

Replica 2: Not getting locked in the brig.

Jack: Not you again.

Replica 1: You're not going back to the locker, are you? That would suck.

Replica 2: So would dying.

_Another replica creepily pops out of the wall._

Replica 3: You could stab the heart and live forever as captain of the _Flying Dutchman_. But you're in the brig, so you can't. Sucks, huh?

Replica 2: Yeah, fail.

_Replica 1 steals a peanut out of Jack's hair and eats it._

_Over on the deck of the Endeavour, Beckett is prancing around happily and singing his favorite song: 600, 000 Bottles of Rum on the Wall._

Beckett: 542, 859 bottles of rum on the wall... 542, 859 bottles of rum! Take one down, pass it around, 542, 858 bottles of rum on the wall!

_Groves is sitting nearby, trying to be patient, but finding that it's difficult when Beckett's horrid singing is making his head hurt like none other._

Groves: Lord Beckett, I don't mean to interrupt, but could you possibly sing a little more softly?

Beckett: But why? This is my favorite song, and I'm so happy!

Groves: I know, but your god-awful singing is giving me a splitting headache and I would appreciate some peace and quiet.

Beckett: Oh, why didn't you say so?

_Beckett takes a bottle of aspirin out of his pocket and tosses it to Groves._

Groves: You've had aspirin this whole time and you didn't tell anyone?

Beckett: No, Gillette gave it to me yesterday! Stop yelling at me!

Groves: I'm not yelling at you.

Beckett: Well, someone's yelling! And I want it to stop!

Groves: Lord Beckett, you're the one who's yelling. If you'd stop, the yelling would also stop.

Beckett: Oh.

_Pause._

Beckett: Oh, hey, the yelling stopped.

Groves: Yes. Congratulations.

Beckett: Want to know why I'm so happy?

Groves: I'm afraid to find out.

Beckett: Because the pirates are going to die and I'm going to win! Yay!

Groves: How nice for you.

Beckett: It makes me want to sing! Where was I?

Groves: I don't know.

Beckett: I guess I'll just have to start over then, won't I? 600, 000 bottles of rum on the wall... 600, 000 bottles of rum... take one down, pass it around, 599, 999 bottles of rum on the wall!

_Groves leaves, and takes the aspirin with him._

Beckett: You'd better be on your way to ready the fleet! 599, 999 bottles of rum on the wall...

_On the Black Pearl, Barbossa's just about to release Calypso from her human bonds._

Elizabeth: We can use the _Black Pearl_ as the flagship to lead the attack.

Barbossa: That's what you think.

_Tia Dalma is duct-taped to the mast._

Will: What, are you for real? You can't release her.

Barbossa: Watch me, sucker.

Elizabeth: We have to give Jack a chance to do something awesome.

Barbossa: Maybe you should have thought of that before you traded him to Beckett in exchange for the whelp.

_Barbossa steals the piece of eight necklace Elizabeth is wearing and puts in in a dish with the other pieces of eight._

Gibbs: That's cool. Now what.

Barbossa: Fiyah!

Will: Pyro.

_Barbossa grabs a torch and accidentally lights his hat on fire._

Ragetti: Stop, drop, and roll!

_Barbossa rolls around on the deck, succeeding only in lighting Will's pants on fire._

Will: Oh, fabulous!

_Will stops, drops, and rolls._

Elizabeth: What is it with boys and playing with fire?

_She grabs a bucket of water and douses them both, restoring some semblance of order._

Gibbs: Now that we've got that out of our system...

Barbossa: Now someone has to say a pick-up line to Calypso to release her.

_The pirates laugh because this sounds ridiculous, because it is._

Barbossa: This promotion shows into sharp relief that which I have not yet achieved: a marriage to a fine woman. You have become a fine woman, Calypso.

_He tries to light the pieces of eight, but it doesn't work. Either his pick-up line was ineffective, or the torch is still wet from getting splashed in the chaos._

Barbossa: Why isn't it working?

Elizabeth: That pick-up line is just notoriously bad.

Pintel: Hey, Calypso, get in the truck.

Will: Are you for real? We're not in Alabama.

Ragetti: Guys, I got this. Hey, Calypso, are you tired? Cuz you've been running through my mind all day. Poof, I'm here, what are your other two wishes? Are you Gillette? Cuz you're the best a man can get.

Pintel: You're a creeper.

Ragetti: Yeah, but it's working.

_No kidding. The dish thing is levitating and on fire, and Tia Dalma is being weird and angry._

Will: Ever wonder who decided to bind you in the first place?

Tia Dalma/Calypso: It wasn't you was it?

Will: Do I look like the Captain of the _Flying Dutchman_ to you?

Tia Dalma/Calypso: Not yet you don't. OMG wait a minute... You don't mean…

Will: Yup. It was Davy Jones.

Tia Dalma/Calypso: Jerk.

_She grows taller until the duct tape breaks._

Pintel: Shiznit.

_Barbossa kneels and bows. Everyone else follows his example._

Barbossa: So, Calypso. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. How about unleashing your crazyness on Beckett and not on me?

_Calypso just kinda freaks out and turns into approximately seventy gazillion crabs that eventually wash overboard._

Will: That was freaking weird.

Pintel: And less than helpful.

Will: Well, Barbossa, congrats on another failed grandiose scheme.

Barbossa: I should have killed you when I had the chance.

Will: You do kinda suck at actually getting rid of people. You should work on that.

Barbossa: Yeah, I know, but right now we've got bigger problems.

Elizabeth: It's not over yet.

Gibbs: Yeah, okay, so we've got, what, like nine boats versus Davy Jones, Beckett, and the English version of the Spanish Armada.

Barbossa: Considering the English armada defeated the Spanish Armada in 1588, that's even less comforting.

Elizabeth: Why are you so pessimistic all of the sudden?

Barbossa: Look, dearie, I know you want to avenge your father's death and whatnot, but I'm not going to die for it.

Elizabeth: Well, pick something else then! Or are you chicken?

Barbossa: No.

Elizabeth: Then hoist the colors.

Barbossa: I'll hoist your colors.

Elizabeth: Don't even start that.

Barbossa: Fine.

_Needless to say, the colors, the colores, the couleurs, the renkler, the kleure, the __रंग__, the __顏色__, and the colori are all hoisted._

* * *

I had to have some fun with Beckett. Even more fun with Beckett and Aunt Kyle coming up in the next chapter. Credit to my brother for the pick-up lines and the bilingual colors. Leave a review and let me know what you think! :)


	20. A Little Girl Cat and Beckett Angst

**Beckett Angst**

_On the deck of the Endeavour, Beckett has a random elegant tea party set up, complete with a lacy table cloth and a plate of scones. He sits down to have tea, but then realizes that Aunt Kyle is nowhere to be seen. Beckett crawls around on the deck looking under the table and other places._

Beckett: Aunt Kyle! Where are you?

_Groves walks up and sees Beckett._

Groves: Lord Beckett, what on earth are you doing?

Beckett: I'm looking for Aunt Kyle. Have you seen him?

Groves: I haven't seen your cat.

Beckett: Oh, fiddlesticks. I haven't seen him all day.

Groves: Nobody says "fiddlesticks".

_Just then, Aunt Kyle walks up. He is followed by a female cat._

Beckett: OMG AUNT KYLE!

_Beckett hugs Aunt Kyle._

Aunt Kyle: Um, yes, hello.

Beckett: Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you.

Aunt Kyle: Well, that's what I need to talk to you about. There's someone I'd like you to meet.

_Aunt Kyle introduces the little girl cat who is with him._

Aunt Kyle: This is Annabelle Lucinda Whitetail. She lives on Shipwreck Island.

Beckett: It's very nice to meet you, Annabelle.

Aunt Kyle: From the moment I laid eyes on her I was smitten. Her eyes sparkle with the beauty of a thousand stars, and her fur is sleek and silky, and she has the heart of an angel. Finally today I know what love is.

_Listening to all this mushy stuff makes Groves want to puke._

Aunt Kyle: I have therefore decided that Annabelle and I must be together, forever. I could not bear to be parted from her. It grieves me to tell you this, Cutler, because I have a feeling you won't handle it well, but I must stay with Annabelle on Shipwreck Island so that we can be married.

Beckett: But... but... Aunt Kyle, what are you saying?

Aunt Kyle: Yes, Cutler, you will not see me again. I have found love and I must bid you farewell.

Beckett: No! Aunt Kyle, I order you not to leave!

Aunt Kyle: You've ruined too many relationships already in this movie, I'll not let you ruin ours.

_Aunt Kyle leaves with Annabelle Lucinda Whitetail. Beckett breaks down into sobs._

Groves: Lord Beckett, please stop crying. It's weird.

Beckett: Tell Davy Jones to kill everybody!

_Groves backs away slowly._

Calypso: (totally freaks out and unleashes freaking havoc on everyone)

_

* * *

_This is very short and has nothing to do with the story at all, but I included it for several reasons, not the least of which being that I simply felt like it. Believe it or not, though, this little bit will come back in a few chapters... However, I have posted the fight scene chapter as well, so instead of being weirded out by the subplot about the cat, go read the next chapter. Oh, and don't forget to review! ;)


	21. Mass Chaos!

**Mass Chaos!**

_On the Black Pearl:_

Pintel: Oh, fantastic, now it's raining.

Ragetti: Could this day get any worse?

_Insert maelstrom here._

Gibbs: Yes.

_Elizabeth is at the helm._

Elizabeth: I can't steer this thing!

Barbossa: Woman drivers. Give me that.

_Barbossa takes the helm._

_On the Flying Dutchman:_

Mercer: Hey, don't you think it would be a better idea to steer away from the swirling vortex of death?

Davy Jones: Nah, let's go for it.

Mercer: Psycho.

Davy Jones: Pessimist.

_The two ships sail into opposite sides of the whirlpool._

_On the Black Pearl:_

Will: Does anyone else see "DEATH" written all over this situation?

Ragetti: Most of us can't actually read.

Barbossa: Are you kidding? I haven't had this much fun in a long time!

Elizabeth: Prepare to broadside!

Gibbs: That means cannons!

Will: Get ready for some chaos!

_In the brig of the Flying Dutchman:_

Jack: Hey, these hinges look oddly familiar...

_Jack grabs a really convenient piece of leverage and busts out of jail._

Jack: After I stab the heart and become captain, whoever built these cells is so fired.

_Jack leaves._

Replica 1: I miss him.

Replica 2: Narcissist.

Replica 3: Hey, has anybody seen my brain? It's the gray, wrinkly, squishy thing...

Replica 1: You mean the one you licked?

Replica 3: Yeah...

Replica 2: Which was weird, by the way.

Replica 1: Haven't seen it. And I'm not touching it if I do.

_Replica 3 pouts._

_The Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman fire at each other across the maelstrom._

Barbossa: Ha ha ha! This is so freaking awesome! Too late to back out now!

Will: That's not comforting.

Barbossa: Why do you always have to be such a downer, Will? You're no fun at all.

_On the Flying Dutchman, Jack sneaks into the room where the heart is being held. It is guarded by Murtogg and Mullroy, the two intellectuals. They point their mini-cannons at Jack._

Mullroy: I command that you halt your approach or else I shall fire this weapon and in so doing render you incapacitated.

Jack: Right. And Davy Jones is wearing a tutu.

_The two intellectuals shudder at the thought._

Jack: You two seem to have a knack for getting the busy work assignments, don't you?

Mullroy: In my professional opinion, there has been a virulent breakdown in military discipline aboard this vessel.

Murtogg: Yes, quite. No doubt the fish people are to blame.

Mullroy: Now, that hardly seems a fair generalization to make, don't you think? That fish people, simply by being fish people, are less inclined to behave in a disciplined manner than those who may be classified as non-fish people?

Murtogg: I was merely proposing the hypothesis that possessing characteristics of being fish people may, at least in part, contribute to the phenomenon of unruly behavior.

Mullroy: As much as I am inclined to eschew stereotyping of any sort, I must admit that if there were no fish people, there would be no chest to guard.

Murtogg: Precisely, my good man! If there were no chest, then naturally we would be relieved of the duty of guarding it.

Jack: You're welcome.

_On the deck of the Flying Dutchman:_

Mercer: Prepare to board!

_A cannonball interrupts and kills some soldiers._

Davy Jones: Mercer, I've never liked you.

Mercer: I don't like your face.

Davy Jones: I'm not a huge fan of yours either.

Mercer: (gets pwned by tentacles)

_Davy Jones now has the key. He walks down some stairs and sees Jack with the chest._

Davy Jones: Oh, look, a lost bird that never learned how to fly.

Jack: I am not lost. And I can too fly. Watch this.

_He does something awesome with a rope and "flies" up onto the mast. Davy Jones magically emerges from the mast._

Jack: That never gets any less weird.

Davy Jones: Give me the chest.

Jack: What is your problem?

Davy Jones: So much angst!

_He pulls out a sword._

Jack: Isn't that Norrington's sword?

Davy Jones: Was.

Jack: Well then.

_They swordfight._

_On the Black Pearl:_

Will: Elizabeth, can we just get the marriage thing over with?

Elizabeth: What, now?

Will: It's highly unlikely that we'll ever get another chance. I love you. What do you choose?

Elizabeth: Barbossa!

Will: Barbossa? What? I mean, if you had said Jack at least I would have seen that one coming, but...

Elizabeth: No, idiot, of course I'll marry you. I'm just trying to get his attention.

_Will feels silly. _

_Barbossa is in the middle of killing bad guys._

Barbossa: What do you want?

Elizabeth: Marry us!

Barbossa: Maybe later.

Elizabeth: Just do it!

Barbossa: Fine! Dearly beloved, yadda yadda yadda. There, you're married, happy?

_Elizabeth and Will find a time warp and kiss while the chaos rages around them. Ragetti, Pintel, and the monkey watch._

Ragetti: That's the weirdest wedding I've ever seen. Just sayin'.

Pintel: Can't wait to see the reception.

_On the Flying Dutchman:_

Davy Jones: You don't even have the key!

Jack: Oh, yes I do!

Davy Jones: No you don't.

Jack: Do too.

Davy Jones: Do not.

Jack: Do too!

Davy Jones: Do not!

_Davy Jones holds up the key._

Jack: Oh, that key. I thought you meant the key to Norrington's Ferarri.

Davy Jones: Norrington has a Ferarri?

Jack: Of course not, they haven't been invented yet.

_Jack cuts off the face tentacle that is holding the key, and the key falls to the deck of the Dutchman._

Davy Jones: OW!

_Davy Jones breaks Jack's sword._

Davy Jones: What now, sucker?

_The ship hits a bump (a bump in the ocean? a pothole, maybe?) and Jack falls until he is hanging onto the chest. Davy Jones flings him into a nearby Undead Fish-Man who is swinging on a rope. Jack removes the excess pirate from the rope then shoots the chest out of Davy Jones' hand/claw/whatever._

_Will swings over to the Flying Dutchman and finds the chest._

Will: This box looks really familiar...

_An Undead Fish-Man is about to attack Will, but he gets hit in the face by a monkey and falls overboard._

Will: You're not too bad for an undead monkey.

_Bootstrap attacks Will._

Will: Don't you recognize me?

Randy: You've never seen him before in your life.

Bootstrap: I guess not, then.

Will: I'm your son!

Randy: NO HE'S NOT! IMPOSTER!

Bootstrap: Randy, stop yelling! I'm trying to kill the whelp!

Will: I'm not a whelp!

_Jack and Davy Jones are still fighting. Jack tries to draw his sword on Jones, for whatever good that would do, but whoops, it's still broken. Jack hides behind the kraken wheel, but Davy Jones just walks through it. Jack demonstrates his courage and fortitude in the face of danger and almost certain death by, uh, running away._

_Murtogg and Mullroy try to join the fight on the Pearl. A swing and a miss. They hit the side of the ship._

_Elizabeth swings over to the Dutchman. Davy Jones hits Jack and knocks him down, then fights Elizabeth. _

_Bootstrap and Will are still fighting. Will, being younger, in shape, and not schizophrenic, kinda wins. But then he stabs the knife into the railing instead of into Bootstrap. What is it with him and destroying furniture?_

Bootstrap: Don't do that. Jones hates it when his furniture gets ruined.

_Will goes away to do something more productive, like stabbing Davy Jones. Wait, that's not productive. At all._

Davy Jones: For real?

_He knocks Will down and then notices that Will and Elizabeth are gazing intently into each other's eyes across the deck through the pouring rain._

Davy Jones: I hate newlyweds. Okay, Junior, do you fear death?

Jack: Do you?

_Davy Jones sees that Jack has the heart in his hand and holds the sword fragment ready to stab it._

Davy Jones: -censored-

Jack: Check out the symbolism going on here, holding life and death in the palm of my hand quite literally.

_Davy Jones stabs Will with Norrington's sword, which, ironically, Will made in the first place._

Davy Jones: How's that for symbolism?

_Elizabeth has the most severe freak-out attack of anyone yet and runs over to Will._

Elizabeth: Will! Don't die!

_Bootstrap finally realizes what's going on and attacks Davy Jones._

Jack: Aw, crap, this is one of those moment thingies Elizabeth was talking about, isn't it? Why does the woman always have to be right?

_Jack puts the sword in Will's hand and Will stabs the heart._

Davy Jones: My life is flashing before my eyes and it's really depressing. Gosh, I was a jerk...

_Davy Jones dies and falls into the middle of the whirlpool._

_The crew moves towards Will. Elizabeth is still freaking out, but Jack pulls her away._

_Bootstrap takes out his knife._

Bootstrap: I've always wanted to try my hand at open heart surgery. Tell me if his nose lights up.

_Jack and Elizabeth parachute off the Dutchman just as it is swallowed by the maelstrom._

* * *

Long chapter, I know, but there weren't any breaks. Credit to my brother for the line about the wedding reception and for Bootstrap playing Operation. Let me know what you think! We're almost done... wow. Also - the revised edition of my Pirates 1 parody is up!


	22. Why It's a Bad Idea to Be Indecisive

**Why It's Not a Good Idea to be Indecisive**

_Jack and Elizabeth are once again aboard the Black Pearl._

Gibbs: Okay, in light of our present situation, which can be summed up in the word "screwed", I suggest we run away.

Jack: I've got a better idea. Prepare to attack!

Barbossa: Belay that, you know we can't win.

Jack: I'll belay you.

Gibbs: But Captain...

Jack: Nope.

Gibbs: The armada...

Jack: Don't wanna hear it.

Gibbs: The _Endeavour..._

Jack: You're still talking.

Gibbs: But...

Jack: SHUT UP!

_Gibbs shuts up._

_On the Endeavour, Beckett is curled up in the fetal position, still in hysterics over Aunt Kyle leaving. Six empty bags of M&M's are scattered about, and Beckett is eating the last of a Hershey bar. Groves is trying to console him._

Groves: Aren't you even interested in what the _Black Pearl_ is doing?

_He never was the sympathetic type._

Beckett: I'm out of chocolate. (sobs)

Groves: Did you seriously eat all of that?

Beckett: Yes, and now my stomach hurts. (pouts)

_The Flying Dutchman surfaces._

Groves: Look, Lord Beckett, the _Dutchman _survived! Isn't that good news?

Beckett: (wailing) AUNT KYLE!

_Will is standing on the deck of the Dutchman wearing a bandanna and leaving his shirt open just wide enough to show off his impressive scar (and pecs). The Undead Fish-Men are slowly becoming un-fish._

Will: I totally get to be Captain now! Awesome! Let's kick some Beckett butt!

_The Black Pearl is also preparing to attack the Endeavour. The Pearl and the Dutchman sail on either side of the Endeavour._

Groves: Oh, crap. Uh, hey, Lord Beckett, should we maybe do something about this?

Beckett: I don't know. I just miss Aunt Kyle.

_On the Pearl:_

Jack: I have had quite enough of Beckett. Let's end him.

_On the Dutchman:_

Will: I never liked Beckett either.

_The Pearl and the Dutchman fire cannons at the Endeavour, effectively blasting the ship into smithereens._

_On the Endeavour, Groves is freaking out a little bit._

Groves: Lord Beckett, can you please stop pouting for one second and think rationally?

Beckett: Not without Aunt Kyle.

Groves: I'll buy you another stupid cat, okay? We're about to die!

Beckett: Existence is too painful without Aunt Kyle anyway. Goodbye, cruel world.

Groves: Less cruel now that you won't be in it.

_Groves jumps off the ship just in time and survives to be in the fourth movie. _

Endeavour: (explodes into tiny bits)

_Beckett dies and lands dramatically on the EITC flag._

Armada: I'm so outta here.

Marty: Suckers!

Parrot: Go team!

_Murtogg and Mullroy appear, dressed as pirates._

Pintel: What the heck are you two doing here?

Murtogg: Well, we have concluded that since Lord Beckett is no longer in power, and with Admiral Norrington having been shanked, the Navy will be in worse shape than ever.

Mullroy: Which would make employment for such an organization quite unpleasant.

Murtogg: Quite. Therefore we have decided that this is the ideal time to consider alternative career options.

Mullroy: Namely, piracy.

Pintel: Well then.

Ragetti: Maybe everyone can pick on them instead of us.

Pintel: Let's hope so. At least we speak real English.

_The crew members are tossing hats._

Pirates: YAY!

_Jack also flings his hat in celebration._

Gibbs: Captain, did you just throw your hat? Don't you want it back?

Jack: You can go get it.

Barbossa: You sound like Beckett and Mercer.

Jack: Holy shiznit, you're right. This is too weird. I'll get it myself.

_Jack goes to retrieve his hat._

_On the Flying Dutchman, Will is doing the cliche thing and gazing longingly towards Elizabeth. Bootstrap sneaks up on him._

Bootstrap: Hey, Will!

_Will is startled and falls overboard. Bootstrap rescues him._

Bootstrap: Sorry. What are your orders?

Will: To not sneak up on me. But other than that, you're free to go.

Bootstrap: Go where? I wanna stay here with you for some father-son bonding.

Will: Oh, good. I need a helmsman.

_He returns to his gazing._

Bootstrap: This ship is good for something again. But we're going where no man has gone before, and she can't exactly come with us.

Will: Why, because she's a woman?

Bootstrap: No, because... just because that's the way it works, okay?

Will: Well, that sucks.

Bootstrap: Hey, we could've just let you die.

Will: Good point.

Bootstrap: One day ashore, ten at sea. Pricey thing, second chances.

Will: Depends on the one day, if you know what I mean.

Bootstrap: Don't make it awkward.

* * *

Short-ish chapter... Credit to my brother for Will's pecs. Only one more chapter to go! I'll be sad to see it end... but don't worry... I plan on doing a parody of Pirates 4 as soon as that becomes feasible. Review and let me know what you think! :)


	23. All Good Things Must Come to an End

**All Good Things Must Come to an End**

_On the Black Pearl, Elizabeth is preparing to go ashore with Will to do what married people do best._

Gibbs: Your chariot awaits! We even included the oars.

Elizabeth: How nice of you.

Pintel: So long, Poppet.

Elizabeth: That's Mrs. Turner to you.

Barbossa: I did that.

_Elizabeth walks up to Jack._

Elizabeth: Jack, if we were supposed to get married, I wouldn't have left you to the kraken.

Jack: That's fair.

Elizabeth: One last kiss?

Jack: Uh... We better not. One, if Will finds out he'll kill me, since we all know he's better at swordfighting. And two, I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

Elizabeth: Reason two is reason enough.

_Insert passage of time here._

_Now it's sunset, we can only guess what went on during Will's one day ashore._

Will: Elizabeth, have you seen my shoes?

Elizabeth: Yeah, I think they're behind that rock with my corset.

Will: Oh, here we go. Wait, there's only one here.

Elizabeth: I have the other one. Come and get it.

_He does, and it gets a little awkward._

Will: Well, it's been fun, but it's nearly sunset.

Elizabeth: Yeah, try to avoid the tentacles thing.

Will: I'll do that.

_He gives her the chest._

Will: Have some symbolism.

Elizabeth: My favorite.

Will: Well, t-minus 3,650 days and counting. I'll see you when we're 30.

_He starts to leave. She chases him and kisses him. Then Will goes back to the Dutchman and it vanishes with the sunset. Elizabeth apparently stays on that island._

_Jack is in Tortuga with a couple of the locals, Scarlett and Giselle, and bragging on his ship._

Jack: Okay, granted it needs a new paint job. And it tends to leak, but that's not really my fault.

Giselle: Is that it?

Scarlett: The _Black Pearl_?

Giselle: It kinda sucks.

Jack: No, stupid, that's a rowboat. What do you think I've been doing, embellishing?

_Giselle takes out a spyglass and looks out at the horizon._

Giselle: Oh, I see it now. That's it, right? All the way out there?

Jack: Yep, that's it. Wait. Why is it out there?

Scarlett: I'd say probably because it sailed...

Jack: Shut up.

Scarlett: You promised to give us a ride!

Jack: Yeah, does this look like my fault?

Giselle: I was promised the first ride!

Jack: Well it's not like you won't both fit on it.

_Catfight._

_Gibbs is asleep on the dock, cuddling a teddy bear. Jack pours rum on his face._

Jack: What part of "Make sure Barbossa doesn't steal my ship again" was unclear to you?

Gibbs: You're talking nonsense.

Jack: No, I'm not. Wake up, you drunk, and take a look.

Gibbs: Oh crap.

Jack: Yeah, oh crap.

_Jack goes back to Scarlett and Giselle._

Jack: Okay, shut up and listen. Yes, I lied to you. Yes, your cooking sucks. No, I've never met Phil Collins, I don't even know who that is. It was Guttenburg who invented the printing press. I hate chihuahuas. And, for the record, unicorns aren't even real! But none of this even matters, because, guess what, I just got screwed over by Barbossa, again!

_Scarlett and Giselle each slap Jack. Jack turns around and slugs Gibbs in the face._

Gibbs: Yeah, okay, fair enough. Take what you can.

Jack: You better not have ever said that to Barbossa.

Gibbs: Ladies, what do you know of sea turtles...?

Jack: Whatever he says, it's probably a fabrication!

Gibbs: You're just bitter.

Jack: Well, yeah.

_Gibbs walks off with the ladies._

_On the deck of the Black Pearl, Barbossa is feeding the monkey tea and scones. Pintel, Ragetti, Murtogg, and Mullroy walk up._

Murtogg: Egads, Captain Barbossa, you are turning into Lord Beckett.

Ragetti: So are you. No one says "egads".

Barbossa: What do you want, anyway?

Pintel: To be perfectly honest, the vote to maroon Jack again wasn't exactly unanimous...

Ragetti: Yeah, it was mostly just you.

Pintel: Yeah, so anyway, we were hoping you could share something with us to make us feel a little better.

Mullroy: Such as, but not limited to, the charts as to where we are going.

_Barbossa obviously hasn't learned anything from past experience, either that or he feels Pintel would make a great captain, so he opens up the charts._

Barbossa: Okay fine. Check it out. The Fountain of Youth!

_He pulls the charts out with a flourish and accidentally whaps himself in the face. Then, when he unrolls them, __he discovers that the map is missing. In its place is a Bandido's menu from the 90's._

Barbossa: Well played, Jack Sparrow.

_Jack is sitting in a sucker little rowboat. He hoists a flag bearing the picture of a sparrow with a red bandana._

Jack: Two can play at that game, Barbossa.

_He takes out the charts and his compass._

Jack: I feel like I'm missing something...

_He looks around and finds rum._

Jack: Awesome. Now time for an epic win. Pirates 4, here I come.

_The End._

* * *

Well, there it is! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed putting it together! Make sure to check out its prequels, _Parody of the Black Pearl_ and _Dead Man's Parody_, and eventually, _On Parody's Tides_! My current project is _Family Reunion_, though my brother and I will probably parody something else in the near future. So keep a weather eye open...

(bonus features coming soon)


	24. Bonus Features!

**Bonus Features!**

Will's List of "Words That Only Beckett Uses"

(referenced in Dead Man's Parody)

1. snazzy

2. kibosh

3. bunkoed

4. butthead

5. groovy

6. by golly

7. behold

8. Oh my OMG!

9. coolies

10. halt

11. holy OMG

12. dodo-brain

13. boons

14. phooey

15. decree

16. fiddlesticks

17. egads

The List of "People Norrington Wants to Have Touching his Awesome Commodore Sword"

(referenced in Dead Man's Parody)

(includes all the characters from my three parodies - along with rationale)

1. Norrington, obviously

2. Will - it's inevitable since he made it anyway

3. Elizabeth - what's yours is mine, or something like that

4. Governor Swann - he signs the paycheck, and he also has a delicious recipe for blueberry scones

5. The Smart-Aleck Cartographer - the guy is just awesome and makes Beckett look foolish

6. Groves - would have been ahead of the cartographer except for the "that's got to be the best pirate I've ever seen" comment

7. Julius Cunningham (criminal in the jail with Jack who caused the death of the previous commodore) - thanks to this guy the Commodore job opened up

8. Scarlett & Giselle - ;)

9. Captain of the ship Elizabeth stows away on

10. Inventor of Aspirin - definitely a good idea to be on this guy's good side

11. Arthur William Bartleby IV (Governor Swann's butler)

12. Mercer - they were BFF's back in college but their friendship just doesn't show up in the movie

13. Official at Jack's hanging - would have come before Arthur William Barbleby IV, but he couldn't pronounce "egregious"

14. First Mate Francis (from the stowaway ship)

15. Phil Collins - because he's Phil Collins

16. Samuel E. Brunswick (money collector guy at the docks) - he'd definitely be up higher if he didn't charge so much to tie up a boat at the docks

17. Cotton's parrot

18. Estrella - why not

19. Guard who won't let Will into the prison to see Elizabeth - he's a good judge of character

20. Random Soldier who is always put out about being ordered not to shoot people

21. Officer at Beckett's hangings - would come before the random soldier, but the random soldier paid good money for spot #20

22. Murtogg

23. Gibbs - he's got the best prices around for bootleg rum

24. Mullroy - would be ahead of Gibbs if not for his annoying comments about Jack Sparrow in front of Will

25. Key Doggie - man's best friend...?

26. Joseph R. Shelton & Christopher Lowsley-Hughes (sailors fighting over the dress)

27. Captain Teague - because he's freaking awesome

28. Darth Vader - originally came before Teague but Teague would have none of it

29. Anamaria - she's cute, in a piratey sort of way

30. Surviving Sailor Sam (from the shipwreck where Will meets Davy Jones) - he stuck it out and his bravery is commendable

31. Bilingual sailor guy who takes Will to the cannibal island - his command of languages is impressive

32. Drunk Guy (Mr. Brown) - he's probably already touched it anyway, unfortunately

33. Mapmaker (Will stabs his map with the hatchet) - would be way up higher if he weren't so egotistical about his mapmaking

34. Jack Sparrow - he had to be on here somewhere, and he _did_ save Elizabeth a couple times

35. Betrayer Seagull (from the parlay scene with Beckett) - because the randomness was awesome

36. Barbossa - would be ahead of the seagull, but he kidnapped Elizabeth

37. Bubba (guy who handcuffs Governor Swann) - he's dim-witted, but does good work

38. Marty the midget - something about equal opportunities for minorities

39. Random Soldier/English teacher - he was a role model for proper grammar and would be higher up if not for the whole creepily appearing out of a disguise thing

40. Pintel & Ragetti - would come before the English teacher but their grammar is horrendous

41. Mr. Cotton - he's unique to say the least

42. Jack the Monkey - would come before Mr. Cotton but the monkey makes annoying noises

43. Barbossa's undead crew members - creepy yet effective

44. Scared Surviving Sailor (from the shipwreck where Will meets Davy Jones)

45. Stupid Surviving Sailor (also from the shipwreck) - stupid people are lame

46. Wyvern

47. Helmsman Joe - would be way higher up if his only line hadn't been bad news

48. Sam (the criminal who only spoke Spanish) - it never was confirmed that this guy actually did anything illegal so he deserves to be on here somewhere

49. Thaddeus (caffeinated sailor from the stowaway ship) - would be way higher up if a sword in his hands didn't mean hyperactive havoc

50. The guy who brings Governor Swann the execution orders - nothing against this guy except the fact that he brought execution orders

51. Old Geezer (from the Tortuga crew)

52. Wannabe sailor (from the Tortuga crew)

53. Drunk Guy (from the Tortuga crew)

54. Cabin Boy who gets hanged and has the piece of eight

55. Sucker (from the Tortuga crew) - who needs suckers anyway?

56. Tia Dalma/Calypso - would be way higher up if she wasn't freaky, but she couldn't be much farther down without risking her wrath

57. Any of the cannibals - cannibals are uncivilized and weird and don't talk in real words

58. Agent047's English teacher - she'd be way higher up, but it was just too creepy how she just appeared and disappeared

59. The Brethren Court (any of them)

60. Annabelle Lucinda Whitetail (Aunt Kyle's lover) - she's fluffy and cute, but she's a cat so she can't be too far up on the list, what would she do with a sword anyway?

61. Seagull that knocks Elizabeth off the plank when she gets marooned

62. The Kraken - better him than Justin Bieber

63. Justin Bieber

64. Sao Feng

65. Any of the Undead Fish-Men - creepy

66. Any of the Jack Replicas - the reason they're not up with Jack is because they're not actually real

67. Pirate in the other cage (on the cannibal island who races Will) - that guy is just not cool

68. Gillette - giving him a sword of any kind is just a bad idea

69. The crow that lands on Jack's coffin in the water

70. The skeleton in the coffin

71. Agent047's brother - he helped write this parody

72. Agent047 - this whole thing was her idea/fault

73. Aunt Kyle - too creepy, and eats too many scones

74. Bootstrap - not a fan, for obvious reasons

75. Randy - he orchestrated the shanking

76. Davy Jones

DEAD LAST: Beckett


End file.
